"Holding My Hands"

Holding my hands...again.



I followed as Jac led me up the un-sheltered stairs of a railway station and over the tracks, she was a little ahead of me. A strange man was holding her hand and she didn't seem to mind, but I did. I felt hurt and not wanted! I pretended that my ankle hurt more than it actually did and slowed way down hoping that she would let go of his hand and wait for me. He seemed to be pulling her along. There arms met high and tight as he pulled her along. He was walking faster than Jac wanted and Jac was walking faster than me. Eventually she pulled away from him and stopped. I caught her up and she didn't seem too happy with me. There was a gap between the railings of the stairs. She squeezed through and I followed, feeling a little more comfortable that she was alone now. I wondered who he was, but didn't ask.
It was dark and it had been raining. The gap in the fence came out onto the stations car park and along one side of the car park were a small line of doors. They were the front doors of peoples houses. Big wooden doors, gloss painted all sorts of bright colours. Jac went up to one of them, may have been green? and knocked on it. I wondered who lived there, but didn't ask. The door opened and the first thing that I saw was a giant black dog! It ran straight out the door and sprinted across the shiny wet car park and out of sight. I envisioned it running up to the strange man that had been holding Jac's hand and biting him! I don't think that it did though.
The next moment, I was inside the house and I was sitting at one end of a large comfy sofa. Jac was sitting on an armchair across the other side of the room. She was stroking the big black dog. She Loves dogs!
As I was sitting on the sofa, a young woman entered the room and seemed to float across to the sofa and sat right by me. She was very beautiful. Her hair was very long and fair in colour. Her face was very pleasing to look at. She seemed to have one of those permanent smiles, even her eyes smiled. Her skin was so soft looking and flawless. Everything about her was perfect to me! As soon as her bottom hit the sofa, she leant on me and rested her slim body against mine and rested her warm head right between my shoulder and neck. Her long hair had bunched up a little and found it's way across part of my face. I could feel a few hairs by my mouth. It felt absolutely amazing! It was the softest hair that I had ever seen and it smelled divine! My hands were in my lap, holding each other. I looked across to Jac to see what she was doing. I wanted to make eye contact with her and to show her that I was very very happy, but a little confused also. Jac seemed only interested in the dog.
I felt as though I had been injected with a syringe full of something highly intoxicating. The blood in my veins could hardly contain itself! I could hear it as it rushed past my ears. My whole body thumped with wonder! I kept thinking who this amazing woman might be. As I sat there, I found myself thinking of all the things that I would Love to do...like reach up and run my fingers through her hair and ever so gently drag my fingertips across the soft skin of her cheeks and gently kiss her lips. Who knows where things could lead? I could feel her warm body leaning on mine. But all I could do was sit almost frozen with excitement and fear!
I looked down through her hair at my hands. They were cold and clammy. I hoped she wouldn't want to hold them just yet!

Eventually, she spoke to me.

Before, she seemed happy just to rest herself against me and close her eyes, smiling. She turned her head in the crook between my shoulder and head and looked up at me and said how well I looked and how my skin seemed to glow and radiate with good health. I thought the same about her but was afraid to say. In the next few minutes, as I eagerly listened to her soft feminine voice, I learned that she knew absolutely everything about me! She knew all about my HIV, and my haemophilia. She knew that I didn't work and she didn't care in the slightest.

She wanted us to spend the rest of our lives together.........and I didn't even know her name.




Jason


Happy Birthday today to Ros:)








(C) JPT 2008

"Six Seconds at the Bottom of the River"

What a silly boy!


Three of us went for a paddle down the River Mole on Sunday, My Mums 65th Birthday.

Here is what happened!

The river was high and the stepping stones at the foot of Box Hill were completely underwater. A giant tree lay asleep across where they are roughly supposed to be poking out from the river. The tree had fallen sometime during last week in the strong winds we have had recently. We launched at about 1pm and with our backs to the tree and invisible stepping stones we began our paddle towards Stoke D'abernon, some 14 miles and four hours downstream.

The weather was grey and rainy. The winds were quite strong too, but most of the time spent paddling, we found ourselves quite sheltered as we meandered our way along the rain fed swollen river. The flow was strong and at no time did we have to get out and pull our kayaks along like we have had to do in the past where the water was too shallow to paddle.

Lee and Ian followed me down the river as I followed numerous ducks and Kingfishers along the faster than normal flowing river. The first two and a half hours were easy going with a few obstacles such as fallen trees and the odd weir and the like to navigate by and over. A swan even tried to chase us away at one point!

We reached the car park where we have usually ended our paddle on previous trips along the Mole in 50 odd minutes. The last time we did this stretch it took us nearer two hours! The water was flowing much faster than we were used to. We continued past the car park and into brand new territory. We had a good three or four hours to go, or so we thought. Little did we know that at about 16:00pm, we would get into trouble and one of us would finish our paddle 2 hours early!

Even before the incident at 16:00, Ian nearly got dragged under a fallen tree! The river water was being forced under it's huge trunk and anything else that happens to find it's way there. Ian found himself heading straight for the tree in the current of the river. With his kayak alongside and up against the tree now he and his kayak were being forced upside down, his head just above the waters surface. I managed to paddle alongside him and tilt his kayak back the right way up against the force of the water. We both lost our paddles and had to float down stream where Lee had caught up with them.

That was the first close shave!

The second involved me I'm afraid. After about three hours paddling and about half hour after Ian's incident, my hat got caught on a low hanging branch. I grabbed hold of the next low hanging branch a few yards along, to stop myself and turn back and get my hat. But the water was flowing too fast and in the blink of an eye the back of my kayak was being forced under the water and pulled me tight between the kayak and the branch, it all happened so bloody quick! I tried to hang on and let the kayak go, but the spray deck prevented me from leaving the kayak and the extreme weight of the kayak being dragged along with the rivers flow, forced me to let go of the branch! I heard Lee calling from the opposite bank for me to let go! Unfortunately, by the time all this had happened, I wasn't upright anymore and I had no choice having lost all my strength from my hands and my fingers, I slipped from the branch and landed on my side and capsized! The water was freezing! I hardly had time to get a breath as I entered the water and as soon as I was submerged the cold took the rest of my breath away from me and I swallowed a mouthful of water. I knew instantly that I had no time to attempt a roll of any kind and needed to breathe right there and then. I blindly felt for the handle on the spray deck. I yanked it towards me and before I knew it, I was out of the kayak and looking for the surface. With my eyes open, all I could see was a dark green blur, then a light green blur. My now soaked and frozen legs and socked feet made contact with the rivers rocky bed as I was dragged, totally submerged, for several seconds down the river before I re-surfaced. I tried to stand up and felt a kayak above me (it may have even been Ian's kayak) and tried to grab it. In the end I failed to even see my kayak, let alone keep hold of it! The next time I would see my boat was some five hours later, strapped to the top of my car outside Redhill Hospital.

As I stood up, I found myself in the middle of the river and in the fastest part. Ian called if I was ok. I stuttered that it was freezing. I was choking a little. The river was flowing quite fast around me and I found it almost impossible to stand up straight. Fortunately it wasn't too deep. It came up to my waist and my spray deck, which was mostly submerged, was threatening to drag me down the river as the water pushed against it. I found the handle at the front, pulled it from the water and stuck it between my teeth and found I could stand up better. Ian was there right by me and tried his hardest to stay with me, but the flow of the river forced him to carry on and maneuver his way around a fallen tree about 10ft ahead of us. I even tried to get a hold of his kayak to help keep stable, but had to let go as I was afraid of capsizing him too! I had no buoyancy aid on (I know, I know) and didn't fancy my chances floating downstream until it was safer to get to the bank...plus there was the fallen tree that I didn't want to come into contact with.

I was stranded and unable to walk because of the risk of being knocked off balance. The fallen tree, half submerged about 10ft in front of me that reached halfway across the river from the left side bank and was at an angle pointing towards the flow of the river was my main concern. The last thing I wanted to happen was to loose my footing, then washed into and under the tree! I could see no sign of my boat and somehow I still had hold of my paddle, but every time the blades touched the fast flowing water, I was knocked off balance. I threw it over to the bank and it slid back down and ended back in the water and slowly made its way into the main flow of the river and floated just a foot past me as I stood frozen in place wondering what to do next! I just stood there on the spot for a few minutes, looking all around me to see what my options were. Lee was on the opposite side of the bank holding onto a branch.

My only option was to inch my way to the nearest part of the fallen tree and use it to make my way to the bank. I was shivering by now and new if I didn't get out soon, I would be at risk from developing hypothermia! Walking in the water felt as if I had two fully grown men attached to each of my legs! When I was close enough to the tree, I judged the distance needed to reach it without walking further than I absolutely needed to. I leant over and grabbed the tree and shuffled my way to the bank. I yelled over to Lee to come over and give me his towel. I sat soaked on the steepish grassy bank and watched Lee make his way across the flow of the river and over to me. I couldn't stop shivering and took off my jacket and top and dried myself as quickly as I could. Lee pulled his kayak out of the water and stood by me. Ian was downstream looking for my boat and paddle. Lee and I looked around us and saw just where we were! We were in the middle of nowhere, miles from any signs of life apart from the M25 just across the river. We were surrounded by fields. The motorway had absolutely no access to the river...besides, we were on the wrong side of the river with no sign of a bridge. Lee ran over to see where Ian was as I tried to dry myself. My legs and hands were numb and I noticed a small cut on the bridge of my left foot as I took off my socks to ring them out and replace them. I dried the inside of my waterproof jacket with the towel and wrapped the towel around me and put my jacket back on over the towel. My ankles were as stiff as anything and walking anywhere would have been out of the question!

When Lee came back from finding Ian, I said to that I didn't know how I would be feeling if we just hung around and tried to sort this mess out ourselves and that I was worried that I might get hypothermia and told him to get Ian to phone 999 asap. Lee and I's phones (and our cameras) were in my kayak. Ian was spotted about a quarter mile downstream. He had found my kayak and pulled his out of the water and up onto the field. Mine was stuck upside down on a branch on the other side of the river and Ian couldn't quite reach it and left it there and came over to meet Lee. The emergency services were called and the situation explained. As we were waiting for the emergency services to arrive, Ian & Lee put me into Lee's boat and Ian stuck his kayaking helmet onto my head and gave me his dry top and wrapped me in a silver blanket that he had in his first aid kit. I still couldn't stop shaking and Ian sat on the side of the kayak and put his warm arms around me and fed me chocolate whilst Lee was on the phone explaining to the emergency services exactly where we were. I knew from just looking around me that a helicopter was the only way that they would be able to get to us. Dare I say, I even hoped it would be a helicopter as I had never been in one before.

After waiting about half an hour, still shivering all over, I could see two people in bright green fluorescent overalls walk into the field near to where my kayak had ended up. Lee was over there too and directed them over to Ian & I, but by the time they reached us a helicopter had appeared and landed just feet away from us and let two men out and took off again. I told Lee that my car key was in my jacket pocket. He took it out and put it somewhere safe. Then suddenly, I was surrounded by paramedics and helicopter police and after answering several health related questions, I was carefully walked up to the now re-landed helicopter, treading over a farmers muddy field in cold wet socks and flown to Redhill Hospital in Surrey, about ten miles away as the crow flies. Lee & Ian were told what hospital that I was being flown to.

As I approached the helicopter, the co pilot pointed at the step and then pointed at a chair I was to sit in. My socks were covered in mud as were his boots. The aluminium floor of the helicopter was covered in thick clumps of fresh mud from the field. He touched my knee and gave me the thumbs up as I looked at him. I gave him one back to say that I was fine. He shut the door and locked it. Talking aboard the helicopter would have been useless. It was very noisy as the pilot took off, and only got louder as it's engine reached full power. I saw Lee wave to me from the field below. I tried to wave back but my hands were frozen in place. The cabin soon filled up with hot air and the strong smell of aviation fuel. I was amazed, not just at the fact that I was involved in all this, but that I was in a helicopter being flown over the Surrey countryside. I was also amazed at how hilly the terrain was from up here compared to the ground. As we made our way to the hospital, I was pretty sure that I could see part of the North Downs where we go mountain biking. The clouds were just above us and looked like they were filled with rain. Our flight took about ten minutes and although it was very bumpy and there seemed to be quite a bit of turbulence, I thoroughly enjoyed it!

I was wheeled from the helicopter to a waiting ambulance and driven the short distance to the A&E section of the hospital. I found myself answering more questions relating to my health and next of kin etc. Then I was wheeled into an empty resuscitation room where three nurses were expecting me. I didn't need resuscitating obviously, but needed warming up asap! I had my temperature taken which was not at a dangerous level but was below normal. It was 35.4. I got out of my wet clothes and slipped into a gown and lay down under an inflatable cover that had hot air circulating through it. I looked at the time on the clock on the wall opposite and saw it was 17:00pm.

Just as I was bought a cup of tea to help warm me up, a man was wheeled in and into the space next to me. He was surrounded by doctors and one of them was pushing onto his chest. He was an old man from an old peoples home and was diabetic. He died suddenly and there was nothing the doctors could do! One of the nurses apologized for the smell, for the man had soiled himself. I quietly said not to worry and that it was fine.

I had my heart checked (ECG) and a sample of blood was taken. I have three bald patches on my chest to show for it where the nurse shaved my hair away to stick the patches needed to fix the wires to the ECG machine. Everything came back fine, but my temperature was a little lower than it should have been. I was taken to an empty and wonderfully quiet observation ward until they were happy that my temperature was back to normal again. I was able to use the hospitals phone to call my mobile which I had hoped Lee had in his possession by now, but it went over to answering mode. Then I rang my Mum and asked if she had heard from lee. She hadn't and I told her what happened and told her not to worry and that I was fine. Then as I was talking to her my twin sister Nicola, who is married to Lee, had rung the hospital. Lee had made contact with her and told her to ring me to let me know that they were about twenty minutes from Ian's car and that they were fine.

Whilst I was being seen to in the hospital, Lee and Ian had managed to rescued my kayak, two mobile phones and two cameras. Even my water shoes were still inside my kayak. My paddle was nowhere to be seen. It has probably made it's way all the way to the Thames by Hampton Court Palace and along the Thames though London and on to the sea. Lee towed my boat the rest of the way to where Ian's car was parked in Stoke D'abernon. They were in the water for another hour and a half! It was getting dark and they were worried that they might get into more trouble, and so was I! Lee could hear my mobile phone ringing as he paddled, but had to ignore it as he was busy navigating the rest of the river Mole.
When they finally reached their destination, they knocked on the door of a nearby house and asked to hide the boats in their garden whilst Ian drove Lee to Box Hill to collect my car. Normally, one of us would have sat by the boats whilst the other car was fetched. Ian then went home and Lee collected the boats and made his way to the hospital.

I was brought more tea and a corned beef & cucumber sandwich and was left sat quietly thinking about all the days events. By half past eight (tablet time!) I was beginning to worry about Lee and Ian and asked to use the phone again. I tried my mobile again to no avail and just as I started to ring my mum Lee came into the ward at about 9pm with some dry clothes. Yay! At which point the nurses were happy enough with my temperature and said it was ok to go home. Talk about perfect timing:)

After I dropped Lee off after racing us back home from the hospital, I popped around to give my mum her birthday card and a hug. I was home by ten, took my tablets, had an injection, took some painkillers and went to bed!

The next morning both the soles of my feet hurt and were bruised from the rocks on the rivers bed! And both my hands hurt too after hanging onto the branch.

I learned, we all learned, some very important lessons on Sunday!


Happy Birthday to Mum (65), Millie (4) & Daisy (16) who are all a year older this week:)



Jason


P.s. Thank you so much to everyone who helped me!!!








(C) JPT 2008.........

"Pearl of a Girl"

York House Statues, Twickenham February 2008


"Pearl of a Girl"


Found at the bottom of a tearful sea,
Her home for millions of years for me,
Her bed slowly frozen in time in this place,
She's never felt sure, She's never felt safe,
Until darkness glows with a vision so bold,
To take her away from here, away from this cold,
She moves with the flow, erosion in tow,
Waiting to go with the diver below,
He's been holding his heart and his deep cold breath,
To escape this hell, to escape this death,
Only salt and sand to hold her hand,
This is her world, this is her land,
Brought to the surface in a race with the fish,
We reach the air just in time for a kiss,
She's a pearl of a girl, She's been forming for me,
She's my pearl of a girl, She's been dreaming to be.



Jason


By Jason Paul Tolmie, 22:17pm, September 3rd, 2002.








(C) JPT 2008.........572.12 miles

"My Kayaking for February 2008"

A pub down Lawn Road, Hampstead on the 28th. I went kayaking that very same evening;)



Can you believe that I didn't take one photo whilst out kayaking for the whole of February! So, I have no picture for the post. I'll think of something I'm sure. In fact, I just looked on my iphotos and the only day that I took a photo on the same day I went kayaking was on the 28th February when I went to The Royal Free Hospital to get this painful coldsore I had on my bottom lip checked out that I had had for over a week and which wouldn't stop bleeding! I had to wait a bit for the docs to come out of a meeting, so I went off for a short walk to Lawn Road behind the hospital to see an art deco block of flats that I saw four years ago during another visit to the RFH. The crime novelist Agatha Christie used to live there. Type Lawn Road Flats into Google and see for yourself. I think they're rather sexy!
Four years ago they were in a right state and were in the process of being completely restored. They look absolutely beautiful now, but I didn't take a photo because there were trees in the way which would have made the photo look rubbish! I had my camera with me to get a shot of the hospital (see last post "This is the Room") and saw a pub with flaky paint on the walls and took a picture of that instead. I went kayaking later that night, so I hope this photo'll do;)



Tuesday 5th February 2008 @ 14:25pm, Twickenham to Teddington Lock and back, windy, rainy, fast flowing river after rain, head wind, I found a big pink rubber dog ball to go with all my tennis balls, temp 9, wind 16.

Thursday 7th February 2008 @ 21:00pm, Ealing Pool, Ian, 90mins, on my way home I saw two London Underground train carriages on the back of lorries going up the Great West Road (London bound) to...the underground?

Thursday 14th February 2008 @ 21:00pm, Ealing Pool, Ian, 90mins, tonight was Valentines night and the pool was almost empty and to make me feel even more single the water volleyballers finished at 22:00 and we had the whole pool to ourselves. To mark the occasion I had earlier drawn (in permanent marker) a blue heart with an arrow shooting through it across my left forearm;)

Thursday 21st February 2008 @ 21:00pm, Ealing Pool, Ian, 90mins.

Thursday 28th February 2008 @ 21:00pm, Ealing Pool, 90mins, Ian, Eoin, James and a new guy called Gareth who followed me in from Gillettes Corner. He lives right by me and does a bit of mountain biking too! Ian got out early as he had a pain that he didn't want to aggravate.




Jason








(C) JPT 2008

"My Cycling for February 2008"

Tunnel Hill, Gorrick Mountain Bike Race. See entry for 17th February below.


A pretty good month all in all. Plenty of riding due mostly to it being relatively dry and rain free. This month saw the end of my Cateye Triple Shot LED bike light. It was playing up for a while and gave up the ghost right at the end of this month. I have got a brand new one now but I won't talk about it until the next months cycling post;) All I will say now (having only used it the once so far) is that it is the dogs bollocks!
The photo of me for this post wasn't taken by yours truly, but instead by a race official photographer during a race that Ian, Lee & I kinda entered (unofficially) on the 17th. There is another race by the same people on Sunday March 9th right near the infamous Broadmoor Hospital in the middle of the Berkshire countryside and we plan to enter that one officially, where we will each get a snazzy number plate for the front of our bikes. Read all about it in next months cycling post.



Friday 1st February 2008 @ 19:00pm, Lee, BP,RP, 22 miles, av 12, max 24.5 mph, 1hr 46mins, cold, windy, dark, clear, temp 1, wind 17. Total 233.30 miles.

Saturday 2nd February 2008 @ 18:30pm & 22:30pm, I cycled to Mums and back because of the rugby match...England lost to Wales 19 to 26 at Twickenham, 5.39 miles, av 13.9, max 20.5 mph, 23mins, cold, windy, dry, temp 2, wind 16. Total 238.69 miles.

Sunday 3rd February 2008 @ 14:15pm, HH, PH, HH, Ian, 16.39 miles, av 7.9, max 28.8 mph, 2hrs 4mins, windy, cool and dry. Total 247.08 miles.

Wednesday 6th February 2008 @ 18:40pm, RP, Ian, cold, dark, dry, clear, 22.01 miles, av 11.5, max 25.3 mph, 1hr 55mins, temp 2, wind 3. Total 269.09 miles.

Friday 8th February 2008 @ 18:40pm, Lee, Ian, RP, BP, 32.3 miles, av 10.9, max 28.8 mph, 2hrs 30mins, cool, dry, dark, another cyclist shouted at me for blinding him with my bike lights! What a wally!, Ian had a 2008 Stumpjumper FSR to test, temp 6, wind 7. Total 301.39 miles.

Sunday 10th February 2008 @ 13:20pm, Jac, HH, PH, 10.84 miles, av 7.3, max 18 mph, 1hr 29mins, sunny and bright and warm, Jac borrowed Elvis and I used Ian's test bike, Jac did very well considering she keeps thinking that she is going to fall off backwards up the hills;), temp 12, wind 2. Total 322.23 miles.

Tuesday 12th February 2008 @ 20:00pm, HH, James, 8.7 miles, av 6.5, max 22.1 mph, 1hr 16mins, cool, dark, dry, very bright stars in the night sky, I accidentally killed a rabbit and a Badger on my drive home!, temp 2, wind 4. Total 330.93 miles.

Wednesday 13th February 2008 @ 14:00pm, RPx2, 28.8 miles, av 12.1, max 30.2 mph, 2hrs 18mins, beautiful sunny day, warm, dry, perfect, temp 13, wind 6. Total 359.73 miles.

Sunday 17th February 2008 @ 13:00pm, Tunnel Hill near Frimley down the M3 Jn4, Gorrick mountain bike race day, 13.88 miles, 3xlaps, Ian, Lee, sunny, dry, av 8.9, max 22.5 mph, 1hr 34mins, we didn't officially enter but did get photographed by the race photographer, the track was great and set all around MOD land, whilst we were riding around the route, another rider crashed and hit a tree and needed lifting out by helicopter. It was all very exciting! temp 8, wind 5. Total 373,61 miles.

Tuesday 19th February 2008 @ 14:00pm, RPx2, 27.10 miles, av 11,6, max 25.9 mph, 2hrs 20mins, sunny, dry, cool, temp 5, wind 7. Total 400.71 miles.

Wednesday 20th February 2008 @ 17:10pm, Ian, HH, PH, HH, 14 miles, 2hrs, av 7.8, max 27 mph, dark, dry, cool, my bike light is affecting the performance of my trip computer and my lights cable is faulty and switches off over bumps!, my forks too had a service today (Elvis), temp 4, wind 7. Total 414.71 miles.

Friday 22nd February 2008 @ 18:00pm, RP, 17.30 miles, av 12.5, max 24.9 mph, 1hr 23mins, dry, dark, cool. Total 432.01 miles.

Sunday 24th February 2008 @ 14:00pm, HH, PH, HH, Ian, Phil, Marcus, 12.87 miles, av 7.4, max 30.3 mph, 1hr 43mins, dry, warmish, last 40 mins was in light rain, before the ride I got to meet Phil's new baby girl Pearl. She was born on the 18th Feb and was sooo tiny and cute! This was also the first time I have ridden with Phil since last year sometime, temp10, wind 3. Total 444.88 miles.

Monday 25th February 2008 @ 18:45pm, RP, BP & a visit to Lee's in Hampton, Ian, 28.58 miles, av 13.3, max 26 mph, 2hrs 8mins, dark, cool, windy, Lee showed us his new Hope Vision 4 LED bike light. It seems pretty good. Temp 9, wind 11. Total 473.46 miles.

Wednesday 27th February 2008 @ 20:15pm, LH & surrounding back roads (we got kinda lost starting from Nirvana Cycles in Westcott!), 17.38 miles, Ian, av 8, max 32.8 mph, 2hrs 10mins, dark, cool, dry with muddy sections on the hill, Leith Hill doesn't seem to drain as well as Holmbury & Pitch Hills, tonight was a beautiful night with clear skies and bright stars, my bike light has been playing up for a while now. Not only does it interfere with my trip computer, it turns on and off unexpectedly over the bumps courtesy of a dodgy cable! The thing (Cateye Triple Shot LED 1st gen) is over two years old now and isn't as bright as it used to be and now is the time for a new light! Temp 3, wind 4. Total 490.84 miles.



Jason








(C) JPT 2008.........522.68 miles.

"This is the Room"

Believe me, it's in there. The room where it all started! The Royal Free Hospital today, Hampstead, London.



Kid fingered dolls line the wall,
Small soft footsteps heard out in the hall,
Tell me something Mother of mine,
Will I see the end, will I be fine?
Dirty old men sniffing out girls,
Black & white dogs shitting themselves,
White coated men man handling the boys,
Handing them tissues, handing them toys,
Socks hanging off the ends of my feet,
Feeling sick way down, pain comes to meet,
Blood up the walls, sick on the floor,
Tears in my eyes, gap in the door,
Remote control, You & me,
Who is to blame, My fault maybe?
The light is my friend until it goes out,
Then darkness, I call, I want, so I shout,
This is the room, the start of it all,
The beginning, the end, the long hard fall,
Bags of sweets for the holes in me,
Come play with the needles, come play on my knee,
I've been lost ever since I left that room,
I'm still here, but the room is a tomb,
It's no longer there now, a place no more,
It's just a room, four walls and a door,
Still you can hear the line outside,
Of young boys & girls who have already died,
I'm left with nothing, empty & hollow,
I'm still in that line just waiting to follow.



Jason






(C) JPT 2008.........490.84 miles.

"The Same Deep Water as I"

Kingston Riverside today.



"Just how deep does a swimming pool need to be? How deep and how large?"

The one presented before me was enormous! I had know idea why I was here and I had know idea how I got here! But I was here, and here to stay!

I found myself by the pools edge at one end. The pool stretched out before me for what must have been a thousand feet in length, five hundred feet wide and one hundred feet deep! The whole thing was covered by a huge hanger and any sound that I heard was greatly magnified due to the size of the vast empty space that I found myself in. To the left hand side of the pool and near to the end that I was at, I could see through the light ripples, submerged on the pools bottom a Boeing 747 aircraft. It looked positively tiny as it lie dead, crushed under a billion tonnes of water! It was intact and looked just as if it were waiting on the runway of an airport. I thought maybe that it was there for deep sea rescuers to practice rescuing people from aircraft that crash into the sea. It looked very odd nonetheless.
On closer inspection of the pools bottom, I could make out tiny little figures walking around in diving suits. They looked busy and moved with purpose. The more that I looked, the more people I saw. Their suits were of the canvas type with large metal helmets shaped like spheres with small circles of ultra thick glass with which to see through and to protect the wearer from the great pressures of such deep water.
As I looked down into the depths of the pool, I noticed that my feet were covered with these giant metal boots. The soles of which were made up from three or so inches of solid lead! I felt very heavy and realized that I too was dressed in the same way as the people I could see under the waters surface. The glass covered hole cut into the front of my helmet made sure that I could see forward. I looked to my left and saw another glass hole and to my right another. Through the small round window on my right side I saw a man standing right by me. He said that he was the owner of the pool. He looked me up and down and told me that I looked just like a proper diver. He smiled when he said this and then looked into the water and said for me to get in.

After telling him that I had never been diving before, I found myself climbing down onto the pools ledge and lowered my legs into the icy looking water and found myself thinking how long it would take for me to reach the bottom. There were no steps nor any kind of hoist to lower me in! Surprisingly, as I let myself go, I sank quite slowly as I approached the pools bottom. The sides of the pool were made up from thousands and thousands of square, once brilliant white tiles, now slightly yellowing with grouting that was stained a light brown. I let my thickly gloved fingertips run against the tiles surface to help keep my balance. The echoey sound that was quite distinctive at the surface was replaced by a deeper, much quieter almost eerie sound. It got slightly louder the closer I reached the bottom. The heavy metal and canvas of my diving suit was now weightless. The canvas clung to my legs and arms as the waters pressure put tremendous
weight on my body. I felt quite warm, after thinking the water might in fact be freezing, although my fingers did feel like they were swelling up and my ears began to hurt a little and began ringing. Even my teeth hurt as I could feel the air trapped beneath my fillings expand!
I finally reached the bottom and landed perfectly upright, my head stooped down as my heavy suit & I carried on downwards momentarily. I saw the grimy tiled floor and looked up and slowly shuffled around until I was facing the massive expanse of the pool before me. It was quite bright down here, but as I looked up, the surface had all but disappeared and had turned into a beautiful deep blue. Looking back down onto the pools tiled floor, I saw all around my feet various cables and chains coiled into small neat piles. Straight ahead of me I could see the Boeing 747. It looked much bigger than it had from the surface. I found myself walking towards it. As I made my way through various winding cables, heaps of thick dirty rope, chains made up from links the size of my feet and large mesh steel boxes full to the brim with various tools, the 747 got bigger and bigger. I passed several other people dressed in the same way as I. They completely ignored me as if I had been there for years.
As I approached the airplane, my ears had stopped ringing from the pressure of the water and now, in the distance, I could hear the sound of what must have been the pools filters working hard to keep the pools massive watery contents crystal clear. The sound that these machines made which powered the filters made me think of a room, also filled with water, situated behind the main walls of the pool with a number of naked men with large heavy lead boots on, all slowly heaving lengths of heavy chain behind them. Maybe they were ghosts and had been sent to their sealed water filled room as punishment for drowning in the pool.

As I approached the lonely looking giant of an airplane, I suddenly wondered where my air was coming from! I don't remember having any air tanks on my back and there were no air tubes feeding me air from the surface either! I almost began to panic, until I said to myself that I'd be already dead if I wasn't getting any air. I did my best to forget about it for the time being and headed for the plane.
Once I had finally reached the undercarriage, I saw a door leading out of the pool and went to it. The door automatically slid open as I approached it and through it I went. It led outside onto an old cobbled street and although I was still submerged under thousands of gallons of water, I was outside. The surrounding area looked old and dirty. I looked up to see if I could see the surface of the water but it seemed bottomless and faded into the same deep blue as it did from the pool inside. I daren't stray any further outside, in case I got lost. As I turned to walk back into the sliding doors, the man that owned the pool was standing there. I stopped dead and looked at him. He stepped closer to me and said that I walked just like a proper deep sea diver. He then leant in to me and kissed me on my cheek. I felt his prickly stubble press through my helmet and onto my soft skin. I pulled back slightly and told him how prickly he was as I walked away towards the sliding doors once more. The owner looked quite embarrassed as I left him standing there.

This time, just inside the door was another man seemingly keeping guard. He saw me come in and held up an arm as if to say wait. He looked into the pool, both left and right, then back at me. He said it was all clear and nodded for me to enter. I continued back into the pool walking slowly and heavily like a man on the moon might. Progress was slow but steady.
The man who owned the pool, the man who had kissed me, wanted me to work here at the pool, so he would see me everyday. He was back inside the pool with me and told me so. He pointed up to a platform near the middle of the great tiled floor of the pool and said that I had to climb up to it using the almost invisible, tiny steps winding their way up it. The platform was about half the depth of the pool. He told me that everyone else who wanted to work here had to go around the long way and that I was very privileged to be shown up this way. Once up on the narrow looking platform right in the middle of the water, there would be a means of joining the pools workforce by way of entering my personal details into a computer and then begin my time here permanently.




Jason








(C) JPT 2008.........

"One Sad Transmission Down..."

My left arm and his (gigantic) plaster covering the hole that my twelve month post treatment blood test was sucked from...on my 37th birthday (23.01.08)



That Interferon stuff works! It really works! What are the chances eh? Thirty odd years of being Hep C positive and in combination with twenty odd years of living with HIV and swallowing all those powerful HIV drugs that are good for the HIV (mostly), but not so good for your liver...and it has gone away. My Hep C has gone! It ain't coming back! Not unless I'm re-infected somewhere down the line, which isn't entirely impossible seeing as though I still, on a weekly basis, inject myself in exactly the same way in that I was infected in the first place! But hey, if I can live with it for such a long time and stay healthy, I am pretty sure that I can live with it again.
It's been one whole year since I finished my 50wks of Hep C treatment and I feel great! Not that I felt ill before I did the treatment. In fact, I felt pretty good before. I never did suffer from any symptoms from having Hep C it seems. It did do my head in a little (the HIV still does), but physically I felt great. Just as I did (more or less) on treatment and just as I do now. I am pretty adamant that it was my decision to stay as active as I possibly could and cycle my bike so much leading up to and during treatment that kept me so well. Staying fit and active is so important I think. So if you're contemplating treatment, go get a bike and cycle like a madman and you too may have as good a treatment as I. Go for it!




Jason



P.s. Happy third Birthday to little Evie today:)








(C) JPT 2008.........309.39 miles

"My Kayaking for January 2008"

My feet poolside at Ealing Pool, West London, Jan 31st 2008. Ian is in the green boat practicing a manoeuver that I can't remember the name of!



As you can see from last months kayaking stats...I haven't done much! It isn't from not wanting to. It has just been far too wet and the water provided by the rainfall in January has made the rivers swell and run very fast. This is all very well if you have a car waiting for you down stream somewhere, otherwise you will just not be able to get back up stream and back to the car. Maybe if I was in my longer, thinner sea kayak, I might have a better chance. But I have to use my tiny Dagger RPM and trying to paddle up stream in that whilst the river is running the way it has been of late, I would be going backwards! Plus the water is cold;)

The Thursday trips to Ealing are much needed and the warmth of the swimming pool is well appreciated too. And is also a great opportunity to practice my kayak rolls and hand rolls etc. I am really looking forward to this year where kayaking is concerned. I am going to make sure that I get a fair bit of sea kayaking in this year. And there is a lake in North Wales that I will definitely get to this summer!! Last years sea kayaking was pretty thin, in fact I went once, with Lee, to Lulworth Cove. Thats just terrible! Lee, we gotta do more sea kayaking dude!


Below, if you're interested are my stats for January's kayaking.


Thursday 17th January 2008 @ 21:00pm, Ian & others, Ealing Pool, 90mins.

Thursday 24th January 2008 @ 21:00pm, Ian & others, Ealing Pool, 90mins.

Thursday 31st January 2008 @ 21:00pm, Ian & others, Ealing Pool, 90mins.




Jason








(C) JPT 2008.