Showing posts with label SVR. Show all posts
Showing posts with label SVR. Show all posts

Saturday, August 04, 2007

"The (un) Infected"

Heart Shaped Moss that I found on the entrance into Teddington Lock over looking the River Thames the day before I got my SVR results (18.07.07) I was out cycling and had a rest and a think and a contemplate before I went back home just around the corner.



Oh yes! The uninfected will keep going on about it won't they. I must remember to remember that I'm not totally uninfected am I, & my Hep C could come back...couldn't it? I must try and remember that. Did I just say that? Oh Yes, I did;)
You know what I mean though don't you. My Hep C is still up in viral heaven, heavily indulged in some sort of sordid sex act no doubt with someone else's recently gotten rid of Hep C. I can just imagine them both right now, entwined together like a couple of horny slugs, with a sign on the wall saying "HIV virus welcome" (You never know, maybe one day eh). They're not bothered about their previous owners in the very least! They're far too stupid to care about us anymore.
As a result of my good result, I have found (as I new I would) that my cycling OCD has more or less gone away and although I am feeling quite tired these last few weeks during my rides I am still doing the miles. 30 on Monday and another 30 Wednesday afternoon and yet another 30 miles yesterday afternoon. Talking of cycling, maybe someone can help me...Warrior Woman? A few times now whilst riding around RP I have almost collided with a few runners coming from the opposite direction on the Tamsin Trail. What happened was that as I was going along minding me own business, listening to me moosic on't i-pod and also minding to stay on the left hand side of the track (just like you would on the roads here in the UK) these runners were on their right and seemed surprised that I didn't move over for them and instead carried on as I thought I ought to. I wasn't going too fast and could see that they could see me and anyway, they didn't like it and right at the last minute jumped out of my way and shouted something. I didn't say a word as I really don't know what the score is for a shared public footpaths/trails. Is it the same as on public roads, like I had thought? If it is then they should be on their left too right? Maybe they don't drive cars and don't have a clue what side to be on (but then do many car drivers either?). Most cyclists stay on their left and so do some runners...but most people just walk/run/cycle wherever the hell they want! I won't be the one crying when my bar end pierces someones soft belly or tangles up with another cyclist (believe me, it has nearly happened on more than one occasion!) and we both end up on the gravel apologizing to each other with me shouting "Stay away from my blood dude! You really don't want to get involved!";)

Also yesterday I was up at the RFH having an MOT on my joints, in particular my right elbow (also known as my 'Glass Elbow' and my 'Broken Wing') and both my ankles. My physiotherapist (Paul) drew some marks onto a sheet of paper that had an outline of my entire body on (back & front) and began to mark it with a biro where I was having problems. He also moved and pulled and twisted (firmly but very comfortably I might add) all my joints and came to the conclusion that both my ankles and my right elbow are indeed fucked and booked me in for another visit in two weeks time. He also X-Ray'd my left ankle as it has been playing up quite a bit whilst walking. He thinks there might be something rough or sticking out where the two bones rub together. Hopefully the X-Ray will show us what there is and maybe what can be done...if anything. I told him about all the cycling I do and kayaking and not once did he say that I shouldn't (which is good). Actually, even if he had I would have said 'Up-yours' and walked out...No bike...No Jae...Simple!

I had a great (last) weekend away in Kidderminster & Shrewsbury with a whole bunch of people from the Hep C forum which Joan had wonderfully organized. Ros & her Hubby Ade put me up for a couple of nights at their Kidderminster home and fed me & bathed me and watered me too:) Then on the Saturday we drove to Shrewsbury and met up with Joan and her Hubby Steve and loads of others too who are either on tx or have been on tx. And what a great bunch of people they are too. The weather was great and the food was also very tasty...especially Ros's flapjacks:)

Anyway, enough about that. What about my dreams? Have you noticed in the last several months that there has been a distinct lack of dreams in my blog? I thought you did. Ever since I finished my treatment for Hep C my vivid and highly detailed dreams have dried up terribly and left me with just tiny bits and bobs...even straight after waking from my dreams I can't remember them much at all! For instance; I had a few dreams the night before the night before last that I almost certainly would have remembered in much more detail previously. My bike gets stolen from a railway station, I look for it, find it and stick a scalpel into the young man that took it! In another one the same night I dreamed that a very good friend of mine got their Hep C back. But where are the details? And what's happened to my poetry? Where has it all gone? I do have a few dreams saved that I never posted whilst I was on tx. The one about the freeze dried vagina's (which I like) and another about a little boy who gets crushed under the wheels of a very big lorry (which I don't) and another where I come face to face with a green (and very sexy) woman swimming in this flood (which was also green) just outside my front room window (I like that one too).
Oh, one thing I do remember is that when I found my bike the wheels were all loose and wouldn't spin properly and just a little more gross is that when I stuck the scalpel into the Man's body I could feel it digging & picking into his bones!

And another thing. I have to do that study again where I do without Factor VIII for 72hrs to determine what my Factor VIII levels are because my results came back at around the 5% mark (I'm supposed to be less than 1%). What does this mean? Am I a moderate to severe (or even mild?) haemophiliac all of a sudden? I'm sure they think I didn't do my bit and stay away from the Factor during those 72hrs. I assure you my droogs that I did.
So back I go on Tuesday next week to have more blood sucked out from my leech-like vein and a whole weekend without any Factor whatsoever. Must remember to take it easy when I'm out up in the Surrey Hills on Sunday with Phil from 'Blood, Sweat & Tyres';)
And on Tuesday night I am up at The Scala in Kings Cross to see The Eighties Matchbox B-Line Disaster' again:) Jac's on holiday in Portugal for that week so I have to find someone else to go with me who doesn't mind getting kicked in the head by crowd surfers or going deaf even!

Check out the video for their new EP 'In The Garden' in this link;

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o5ELJfSbm58

I Love this band!



P.s. If a bucket is too much, then a milk bottle will do;)




Jason








(C) JPT 2007.........2348.60 miles.

Saturday, July 21, 2007

"So Very Real" (or is it?)

I Love my Liver...I promise:)



"So Very Real"

So very real and ever so bright,
Or still very much a broken light.
So very real like right & wrong,
Or all too much like the saddest song,
So very real this news of mine,
Or just another day in time,
So very real they told me so,
One baddie down, one baddie to go!



It's good isn't it. Isn't it? But......I just can't seem to find the overwhelming feeling of achievement & success that I should feel. That's not normal is it? Obviously I am very happy that it is still gone and that I can stop worrying about one of my viruses & at least one way that I might have died, but still there is something missing. My Mum said have I celebrated yet? And all I could think of saying was what is there to celebrate? I don't feel any different. Was I that attached to my Hep C that it was part of me and now I have been told that it has gone that I am feeling slightly sad about the loss? My Hep C virus and all my Hep C treatment experiences have definitely left a marks & indentations that will never ever go! I may not have known about my Hep C since I got it 30 odd years ago but I do feel that it has along with my Haemophilia & HIV made me the person I am today. And now it seems that a huge part of myself has been taken away. Of course I wanted rid of it but hey, I can't help the way I feel can I? Just because I'm not jumping up and down like a Space Hopper on a pogo stick doesn't mean that I'm not a very happy bunnie.
I was in a great mood Thursday night kayaking around Ealing pool with my friends, laughing & joking and fucking around etc, but apart from telling Lee on the way there in the car I didn't mention it again. Everyone I have told is over the moon (which isn't many)...except me. Why is that? Has it not properly sunk in yet? Am i different from everyone else in such a way that makes me feel like this?
I know my liver is out of trouble so to speak, but all my OCD's are still there...ever so subtle and hardly noticeable to others. Although I did stick my clothes in locker #200 in the pool instead of finding one that added up to 9 like I always have done before. But that was the only lapse...none since...the others all are still there. Is it too early to realize just what I have achieved and how much it really matters. Especially for a co-infected (HIV) Haemophiliac taking all kinds of drugs to help him stay alive. It might have something to do with the fact that I felt fine health wise before treatment, felt fine health wise on treatment and felt fine health wise since finishing treatment. Or could it be that in some kind of mega perverse way that I have just gotten rid of one of the very few things that I have that was in fact helping me to stay alive? To give me a reason for living perhaps? Could that be something to do with the way I am feeling or is it because it is raining torrentially all over London and I want to go out to the Surrey Hills for a bike ride later? What is the matter with me?
I had so many ideas of what photo to use if my result was bad and what sort of post to write. I had a few photos saved, some over a year old that I was going to use. I really don't think that I have for one moment in the past even thought about what I would write or what sort of photo I would use for my blog if I got good news. I was hoping for a good result obviously, but I was expecting the worst. And when it didn't arrive, I was/am left completely lacking in creativity/emotions. I can only sit at the computer for so long before I begin to think I am wasting my time to come up with something. I started a poem and thought I'd go along with that. But even that was shit and even though I might still try again and change it and start all over, I still feel no creativity at all right now! If there is a poem at the top of this post at least it means that there was something lurking in my poxy head.

I don't suppose this post is quite what you had expected from me? I am disgraced to say that I am feeling quite emotionless about all this. I thought even of just writing the days events unfolding before me up to when I was handed my result and posting that...Going to meet Ross (Deja 'Q') from the forum on at the RFH last Thursday morning and having coffee & hot chocolate (thank you Ross) over some very interesting conversations, then saying goodbye and popping into the RFH in the afternoon to get a claims form for my travel expenses and then finding they had my results there when I thought I'd be getting them in the post and me smiling a little having discovered the good news as I said thank you before going home to get ready for my Thursday night kayak session.

Again, I got my results out of the blue and in a way that I wasn't expecting. Six months ago at the end of my 48wks they said I would receive a letter with my results and then right at the last minute they said I had to come up in person. Talk about confusing an already confused Mr Jason Paul Tolmie.

Maybe it is just too early for me to have taken it all in? Only the next several weeks/posts will shed any light on the importance as to what has just happened to yours truly.

Maybe at the back of my mind I still think I have it...after all, I don't feel too much different as far as I can tell compared to how I was feeling before treatment.

One thing is for sure...I still have HIV & Haemophilia to keep me going;)




Jason

P.s. I am glad that it has gone:)










(C) JPT 2007.........2214.59 miles.