"So Very Real" (or is it?)

I Love my Liver...I promise:)



"So Very Real"

So very real and ever so bright,
Or still very much a broken light.
So very real like right & wrong,
Or all too much like the saddest song,
So very real this news of mine,
Or just another day in time,
So very real they told me so,
One baddie down, one baddie to go!



It's good isn't it. Isn't it? But......I just can't seem to find the overwhelming feeling of achievement & success that I should feel. That's not normal is it? Obviously I am very happy that it is still gone and that I can stop worrying about one of my viruses & at least one way that I might have died, but still there is something missing. My Mum said have I celebrated yet? And all I could think of saying was what is there to celebrate? I don't feel any different. Was I that attached to my Hep C that it was part of me and now I have been told that it has gone that I am feeling slightly sad about the loss? My Hep C virus and all my Hep C treatment experiences have definitely left a marks & indentations that will never ever go! I may not have known about my Hep C since I got it 30 odd years ago but I do feel that it has along with my Haemophilia & HIV made me the person I am today. And now it seems that a huge part of myself has been taken away. Of course I wanted rid of it but hey, I can't help the way I feel can I? Just because I'm not jumping up and down like a Space Hopper on a pogo stick doesn't mean that I'm not a very happy bunnie.
I was in a great mood Thursday night kayaking around Ealing pool with my friends, laughing & joking and fucking around etc, but apart from telling Lee on the way there in the car I didn't mention it again. Everyone I have told is over the moon (which isn't many)...except me. Why is that? Has it not properly sunk in yet? Am i different from everyone else in such a way that makes me feel like this?
I know my liver is out of trouble so to speak, but all my OCD's are still there...ever so subtle and hardly noticeable to others. Although I did stick my clothes in locker #200 in the pool instead of finding one that added up to 9 like I always have done before. But that was the only lapse...none since...the others all are still there. Is it too early to realize just what I have achieved and how much it really matters. Especially for a co-infected (HIV) Haemophiliac taking all kinds of drugs to help him stay alive. It might have something to do with the fact that I felt fine health wise before treatment, felt fine health wise on treatment and felt fine health wise since finishing treatment. Or could it be that in some kind of mega perverse way that I have just gotten rid of one of the very few things that I have that was in fact helping me to stay alive? To give me a reason for living perhaps? Could that be something to do with the way I am feeling or is it because it is raining torrentially all over London and I want to go out to the Surrey Hills for a bike ride later? What is the matter with me?
I had so many ideas of what photo to use if my result was bad and what sort of post to write. I had a few photos saved, some over a year old that I was going to use. I really don't think that I have for one moment in the past even thought about what I would write or what sort of photo I would use for my blog if I got good news. I was hoping for a good result obviously, but I was expecting the worst. And when it didn't arrive, I was/am left completely lacking in creativity/emotions. I can only sit at the computer for so long before I begin to think I am wasting my time to come up with something. I started a poem and thought I'd go along with that. But even that was shit and even though I might still try again and change it and start all over, I still feel no creativity at all right now! If there is a poem at the top of this post at least it means that there was something lurking in my poxy head.

I don't suppose this post is quite what you had expected from me? I am disgraced to say that I am feeling quite emotionless about all this. I thought even of just writing the days events unfolding before me up to when I was handed my result and posting that...Going to meet Ross (Deja 'Q') from the forum on at the RFH last Thursday morning and having coffee & hot chocolate (thank you Ross) over some very interesting conversations, then saying goodbye and popping into the RFH in the afternoon to get a claims form for my travel expenses and then finding they had my results there when I thought I'd be getting them in the post and me smiling a little having discovered the good news as I said thank you before going home to get ready for my Thursday night kayak session.

Again, I got my results out of the blue and in a way that I wasn't expecting. Six months ago at the end of my 48wks they said I would receive a letter with my results and then right at the last minute they said I had to come up in person. Talk about confusing an already confused Mr Jason Paul Tolmie.

Maybe it is just too early for me to have taken it all in? Only the next several weeks/posts will shed any light on the importance as to what has just happened to yours truly.

Maybe at the back of my mind I still think I have it...after all, I don't feel too much different as far as I can tell compared to how I was feeling before treatment.

One thing is for sure...I still have HIV & Haemophilia to keep me going;)




Jason

P.s. I am glad that it has gone:)










(C) JPT 2007.........2214.59 miles.