County Hall, South Bank, London yesterday.Silly isn't it! All the way through tx and all the way through the last six months right up until my six month post tx blood test on't July 4th and not a bat of an eyelid as to what the implications may be if the outcome isn't successful. But since my test just one week ago I have been feeling it! I'm no longer in control and I absolutely hate this feeling! I'm not a control freak by any standards but I do like to see where I am going...even if it is nowhere. If I am in a car I will never be comfortable unless I am the driver...It doesn't matter how good the driver is. That's the sort of thing I mean.
The shadows & dark patches have been getting in the way big time on my bike rides! Let me explain...I have this OCD (we all have them) where as I pedal around, when either foot reaches the very bottom of it's stroke (closest to the ground) and there is a shadow there say from a tree or lamp post etc or a dark patch of tarmac or a line or crack or oil stain then I physically have to back pedal and start again until my foot reaches the bottom where it is clear and light etc. I say to my self that I will die if I push past and ignore it. Believe me I have tried to push past it and continue pedaling through such feelings and all that happens is what can only be described as a rather large elastic band twisting up tighter & tighter inside the very center of my whole body making the thought of death & illness magnify where the only way to get rid of it is to back pedal the same amount of times in the opposite direction until it feels free in my mind again. Sound odd? I don't suppose you would necessarily notice if you were to watch me because I am very aware of it when I do and try and make it look as natural as possible. Having said that, I probably look like a right twat;)
Anyway, I used to do it loads years ago for a very long time but it seemed to go away in the last year or so. It is always there but very very infrequent and only in the last week has it come back...since my blood test to be precise. I know it will go away when I get the result (as long as it is good that is) otherwise I'll have to figure out another way of stopping it...it drives me mad sometimes! I just want to pedal normally...maybe everyone does it though? I've never really looked to see. Maybe us cyclists are all mad and none of us are normal...That'd be nice;)
Also, I had a very strange dream this morning where I was waiting for my results to come through the letter box and my Niece Daisy & my Mum were there too. It dropped through the letter box and I held it in my hands thinking how I would react in front of my family if it was bad news and secretly thought that I would not react at all and just say 'Oh well.' And then I opened it and tried to see just from the shape of the paragraphs and positioning of the lettering wether I could tell what kind of news it was. I noticed a drawing and collage type thing, almost child like in design and very colourful. It looked like a multi-coloured bumble-bee with petals for wings and had a great big smile on it's face...I looked over at Daisy and said that it was good and burst into tears. She came over to me and hugged me and her tears fell onto my face and I felt wonderful! I know that when she reads this she will be rather embarrassed by it but hey...that's dreams for ya;) It won't be anything like that in real life I just know it. I'll smile a bit and start to phone people up and tell them the news...if it's good. Otherwise I'll probably just be really moody for a few days and look like a weirdo on my bike for a bit;)
So what else have I been doing? I went to the latest hearing into the Public Inquiry into contaminated blood products yesterday and met up with my good friend Ros the day before as she was down for the early start at Westminster and sat with her and her wonderful Mum & Dad through the whole of the hearing. I was thinking that even if this inquiry doesn't achieve what it set out to do then at least some very good friendships will have been formed because of it:)
An added bonus at yesterdays hearing was the switching of venues right at the last minute to just across the road to the Houses of Parliament. I don't think I have been in there before...maybe with the school when I was a kid but I was probably being naughty and throwing things at the policemen rather than realizing where I actually was. The TV cameras were there again and so were the policemen...I refrained from throwing anything at them this time as they were all holding rather shiny looking Heckler & Koch MP5 submachine guns! As with all the other hearings it was cramped and far too hot but also as with previous hearings the people giving evidence were varied & keen to help as much as they possibly can. Amongst the people in attendance to give evidence yesterday were Lord David Owen and Kelly Duda (whom was sitting next to me) producer of the film "Factor 8; The Arkansas Prison Blood Scandal". I still don't know what to make of the inquiry really as I still feel quite detached from the whole thing from all the years I have basically turned a blind eye to all things like it. I do however find it very interesting and do feel the need to be there for some reason. I'll most certainly be at the next one on the 25th July. I might even take along my friend Jac as she has wanted to come along for a while now. Maybe my Mum too if she feels like it?
Jason
P.s. The photo I took on my little walk over to the Houses of Parliament from Waterloo Station yesterday morning and noticed six full size Stormtroopers standing guard over County Hall and facing directly out over the River Thames where they are holding an exhibition to celebrate 30 years of Star Wars. I went there back in May with my Star Wars friend Anna and didn't even see the Stormtroopers! They must have been on special military maneuvers someplace else in the galaxy;)
P.p.s. Also Chris, I'm so pleased for you dude! You & Heather. I'll be joining you soon...very soon:)
(C) JPT 2007.........2036.79 miles.
4 comments:
Jae,
You know as well as I do the labs are going to come back clear. Your body's telling you, maybe in ever so subtle ways.
The thing about pedalling through shadows is fascinating. I imagine it can be very frustrating at times. For what it's worth, you're not allowed to die if you pedal through a shadow, because that would leave me nobody to soak when we're the last two men standing. (Bet you thought I forgot!)
My own OCD tends to be a bit more benign: when shelving my music CDs, I have to arrange it so a band with multiple CDs in my collection (Pink Floyd and U2 would be the best examples) is not divided between two shelves. I can't explain it, but I just cannot tolerate splitting up the set. Go fig.
Please continue writing about the hearings... it's really interesting reading, and it's important for people to know about. I remember when I was working on the lobbying effort with the US Congress to get compensation for hemophiliacs here in the States. It was an eye-opening experience. I think everybody should find an issue they're passionate about or that affects them profoundly, and then work with their legislative body to get the issue addressed, and learn first-hand how their government works.
Cheers!
As a pal I have decided to share your ocd, to keep you company until you get your svr result.
So, from now on if I walk over a dark patch, shadow of a tree branch or crack in the pavement I'm gonna hop backwards and then jump over it, making sure neither of my feet touch the dark shadowy bit. Not sure if that will help you but at least you won't be alone ;)
I totally understand your feeling of being out of control, it is hell waiting for people to figure out these results that are so important and get them to you. That elastic band is a big tenterhook sitting inside you - but it will evaporate away soon.
It is interesting that the need to do this oc act was absent during the last year or so. And that was the time you were having to face up to HCV and needing treatment for it. A horrible time potentially but I guess one where you felt like you were in control cos you were doing something active to tackle the HVC?
x
Ah HA! So you are feeling an impact, a bit of pressure, anticipation! Ah HA! ..... actually I'm relieved to hear it.... you've seemed uncannily serene about this whole thing and I've been feeling like the emotional freak standing next to you. But Ah HA! you've got a little freakiness in you after all (should have known :) My fingers are crossed tightly, my friend, and I'm thinking about you every day.
Chris,
It is frustrating at times Chris. I have been doing it for years and don't think I have ever gotten used to it. It really isn't as bad as it sounds. A tad strange maybe. It's just a pain in the arse because it means I slow down a little every time I do this silly thing. You never know, it may go altogether when I get my SVR test result back.
You must have pretty long shelves Chris if you are to keep your cd's (by artist) on the same shelf. U2 must have a pretty long back catalogue. What happens if it some day spills over? Longer shelves? Or bin some of their lesser albums to make room;)
I am finding the whole thing regarding the public inquiry here highly fascinating. I'll certainly go to all the future scheduled hearings thats for sure. And continue to write about them I will too.
Ros,
You will have to get yourself a bike my dear if you're going to share my flidding out with me;)
If you do do the OCD hopscotch in the street you may well want to wait until after dark when know one is about so you don't get arrested;) It helps just imagining you do your jumping & hopping;)
Thats exactly it Ros...I was doing something active to make me feel in control of the situation where as now I feel I have been rendered null & void. I would've been quite happy to carry on treatment for the rest of my life if the truth be known.
Who knows, I may get the chance to do it again some day;)
Ample,
It seems I am a little apprehensive in my own funny little way. It is just because of the waiting really. As soon as I had an exact date for my test it was out of my hands. And to top it off I was told that I would have the results back in no longer than two weeks. Now if I was told they had no idea how long...maybe months or maybe never...I would have felt better about it. And I got to wait for a letter too, which I find quite odd! Surely not everyone wants to open a letter all on their own, maybe feeling like shit and worried as hell and then finding they have failed treatment and it's back again!
I don't mind either way how I get the result or what it is if you know what I mean. I'll just ring up the hospital and ask them what they intend to do next;)
Speak soon my friends:)
Jaexx
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