"Little Spaces"

Daisy & Jae Wednesday (see below).


Seems that the ground feels closer recently....the soil....moisture....ants and creepy crawlies. That smell that comes with them all coming together. That fresh rotting smell of old making way for new. Things are going pretty well right now....disregarding the pain in my ankle & elbow joints......Disintegration in progress! Just under the surface of the ground that I walk upon.....little holes.....and all their cosy hiding places....I might decide to fall into one of the deeper ones one of these days.....just for a while, until I feel right to come back out again. Curl up and fall asleep and dream a while.
I'll just have to make do with some of the more shallow ones for the time being.....much more shallow! That I can handle....that I have been dipping into and out of for years now. Little spaces for hiding things. Little spaces for dreaming about. Little spaces where I can go for a little cuddle.....a kiss......a warm shoulder.....a smile or tear or two (maybe)......hey, or even just to be able to think straight. Little spaces for me.
You want to know where my little spaces are? I am afraid that I can't tell you that! You see, I don't want to go there one night and find that there is someone else in it....if you know what I mean? There are no locks on it.....no doors even. No directions to and no exit from. It is just there.....and I know where it is.....I like it there and this is why I go there. (what the hell am I going on about?)

So enough about metophorical hiding places and the like! I expect most, if not all the above ramblings went right over your very heavy heads? I'm not surprised....I have a heavy head too;) But really I shouldn't grumble right......I have things pretty good don't I? I do! I can honestly say that I ......do you know what? I can't seem to think normally these days. I can't even write about how I am feeling! I don't know how I am feeling at all! I have always found it the hardest thing in the world to do....is explain how I am feeling. Soo many people have over the years said to me 'Smile Jason.' And I say 'I am smiling....I promise.'
'Are you feeling alright Jae?'
'Yes' I would say or....'Yeah....sort of'......But mostly (if not always) yes.
And I do most of the time.......right?
See what I mean! I 'Feel' just as well as the next man along does......but what on earth am I feeling? F*ck knows! I could lie I suppose. I am a very good liar. I can make things up very well too. Vivid imagination. Vivid dreams and some pretty wonderful ideas, my ideas.....useless ones obviously. Why then do I feel brain dead so much of the time? And when I do have a conversation with someone I know, why can't I do it normally? Where do all the inuendos come from.....why do I feel the need to rip the piss out of everyone.....while I am talking to them face to face? Whats all that about? Do they notice? Of course they do! My sense of humour doesn't leave a lot to the imagination either! Mostly references to sexual activities! Not normal activities either! I like to shock and I like to make people feel uncomfortable.....my friends and family will tell you. Why is it that I do that? Is it a defence mechanism or what? I have often arrived back home from an evening out with family or friends and sat there and wondered what the hell they must think of me! It makes me cringe to think that I have made a complete tit of myself. Or do all people behave in the same exact way as I do?

Enough already!

No cycling this weekend I am afraid! My local bike shop will have it for some much needed maintenance & a few replacement parts.....should have it back Monday I don't mind too much as it is pouring with rain right now and I hurt from my kayaking last night at Ealing pool. That was great fun. Lee & Ian were there and about 27 others too.....not much room left to kayak to be honest.....but fun. I thought I had broken my poor little right elbow at one point! It was time to get out and I paddled as fast as I could to the pools side so as to beach the kayak and jump out without getting my legs wet. Just that I failed to see the hand rails arching over the steps and caught the very end of my right paddle on it which forced my arm to close!......It don't like closing at all.....the damage in the joint prevents it and if I force it......OUCH!!!!! Well, it was forced and my f**cking god!! Did it hurt! I had sort of beached it, but was more concerned for my arm.....I even looked at it to see if it had broke it was that painful. It didn't and after a few minutes I tried again and done it properly. More Factor VIII when I got home. I pulled a muscle in my left tricep performing a vertical paddle roll....which I managed to do a few times:) It seems I am getting there....but still a long way to go! And somewhere during the hour & a halfs session I managed to injure my back too! I can't wait until next Thursday:)

Then on Wednesday I took my Niece around Richmond Park for a bike ride. She has been dying to get out on her bike again. She wants to get fit and well, she enjoys it too and even wants to go to where I took Jac the other day. As you can see from the photo above, I don't have a helmet on. Daisy wore it but obviously needs her own. Unlike my mate Jac (tut-tut;), Daisy is willing to wear a helmet (removable hair). Her bike works well too and her brakes are fab. Unlike Jacs;) I will be fixing Jacs as soon as she gives me her bike. It is fine on the roads (which is where she rides it normally), but not for steep, gravel strewn trails in the middle of the countryside;)
Daisy was well chuffed to have cycled 7 and a half miles. It was warm too.....like a summers day almost. It's all gone tits up again now!
Daisy impressed me with the way she kept taking her bike off the main track in the park and onto the little dirt sections. I swear she had a permanent smile across her face the whole time:) Every time I looked back, there it was:) She'll make a good mountain biker in the future I am sure! Next I will try and get her & Jac into a kayak;) Now that will be one to see;)
And on Tuesday Jac & I did 25 miles around RP & BP together. She is back at the gym now as her spots have cleared up;) She does make me laugh:)



Jason


P.s. Gonna miss your postings UC!! Take care:)







(C) JPT 2007.........909.39 miles.