"Little Marks & Indentations"

Being spent.....or not, as the case may be.


Why does that pill container sat atop my bedside drawer unit, awaiting 08:27 for it's impending but rather short trip from said position on drawer to the dry lips of my parched mouth absolutely have to point in a very certain direction? And why when I throw the used container into my Tupperware container for re-filling, situated on the counter right next to my fridge does it have to land or at the very least leave my sight as it falls in a certain direction?
I know why and I know what to do to not have to do it anymore..........All I have to do is change the colour of the thing...one end of it anyway. The yellow end is the sole reason that I do this in the first place. It has to be facing away from me. The other end is blue and doesn't even register....except that it isn't yellow of course. So why then can't I do something about it?
I really couldn't tell you......I don't know myself! And why the yellow end? Why the colour yellow? Jaundice is the reason why! My doctors must have said something about Hepatitis causing it sometimes. Or I may have read somewhere or saw it on the news or saw someone with yellowish skin and learned that they had liver disease. It was a few years ago now.......when I was first told of my Hep C virus. It has stuck like hot shit to a warm bed sheet! Like all my other "O.C.D's" that I have collected over the last few decades.......they are very sticky, but like everything in life, there are subtle changes in the rituals, habits, mild addictions.......whatever you want to call them.

My kayak (the one I have had ten years) is yellow. It doesn't effect me. It doesen't have to face in a particular direction in my garage.....that might be because it can only go one way and I have no choice but to hang it in that way and soon forget about it. But the sponge in my bathroom is yellow (I use it to dry my bath after I have rinsed it down). It has for a long time reminded me of a liver......an infected liver......my liver.....it has little holes in it like the damaged surface of a liver. I could change the colour of it and maybe my 'ritual' with that might go away. All the way through tx I used to imagine it was my liver and each time I dried my bath down with it, I used to nurse it and imagine it was healing as I squeezed all the water out of it thinking it was the virus. But before I could put it back on the metal shower rack thing hanging below the shower all squeezed out, I had to fully soak it with the shower head until all the surface was a dark yellow and then squeeze as much water out from it until it looked dry again. The little individual lines of water extendnding from the shower head making the sponge look as though it had scars across it as I passed the shower across the surface of the sponge. I had to completely soak it until they all went......then I would wring it out and place it back on the rack, the same way around as always..........I still do this 'ritual' today! Everytime I shower! It won't go away! I can't change the sponge to a different colour......in case something bad happens!

They got me by the balls alright! But at least they have changed over the years.....my other ones. Maybe this one will and the pill container one will and the..........My god! There are so many when I think about it! Best not to think about them I suppose. I even thought that writing this post would make some of them go away. But having come to the end of this post now, I don't feel any different. Best keep them where I can see them I suppose.....instead of trying to throw them away.
Imagine the mess if I tried to do that!

Imagine a large cup full of penny's.....all nice and cosy....all in one place....all within a very comfortable distance to me. Then imagine if I didn't want them anymore and no one else would take them. They were all bent and dirty, scratched & dented...some were foreign...others weren't even coins at all......maybe the odd one was a bright, clean beautiful looking penny......but look! It has been with all those other dirty ones! Such a shame! Leave it......leave them all!
So I throw them away instead....as far as I can. With all my might I swing the quite heavy cup around my body, fingers gripping tight and see the hundreds of coins leave the cup all at different times......The metalic swishing sound as they slip from the smooth, safe confines of their cardboard haven.....into the air and scattered like copper raindrops in a hurricane all over the place! Tinkling, clattering, rolling, Lost and frightened! The empty cup in my hand....bottomless.....little marks & indentations where the coins used to lie and dream of something else. Only to wish they were back in that cup now!
I look at the metalic wreckage all around me....the sound of smashed coins on concrete still ringing in my ears.....some are still rolling about trying to find a new life. They don't want this.....they want back in their cup....where they were safe...where they were looked after and were thought about and cared for. They are nothing now all on their own! I am nothing also!

I will never throw away my coins!



Jason


Happy Birthday Mum, Millie & Daisy.......in that order:) I had a great time at the farm with you guys.....the whole weekend was very nice:)






(C) JPT 2007.........803.17 miles.