Alternative Christmas Light's

Pitch Hill last night.



So that is Christmas out of the way once again. I never thought I would see so many since Semptember 1987! I honestly thought I would not even see the new year that was 1988. Strange how things turn out eh. And even stranger just how long one seems to dwell and lie scared throughout the years since just waiting for a terrible end. Then when it doesn't come........what do you do? Just keep waiting as it is easier than looking forward.
Big rut ahead......unseen!
Fall blinded head first into rut.
Lie in the bottom of rut not doing much of anything except waiting to die.
See small but not very bright glimpses of top edge of rut.
Look at where you are lying in rut then back up to the light.
Decide very quickly which place is easier to reach and fall asleep again......waiting!
Right where you were all along............in the rut!

You may have noticed that in my posts (well, the last three anyway and in particular the last one) I may have seemed a little down to say the least. Just reassuring you that all is ok. I often feel this way and even before I started tx for Hep C I was prone to these bouts of feeling down and lost etc. I wouldn't say I am depressed, not that I would know even if I was depressed because I think a truly depressed person wouldn't necessarily know that they were even (so maybe I am depressed then;). But wether I am or am not in a depressed state I am dealing with it in my own unique way.

So onto the last few days then in one quick(ish) text bite:)

Noisy next door neighbors....the worst kind....Just nowhere near damn f*****g cold enough to even begin to "Feel" like Christmas! Where is the god damn snow? Posting a blog that is a darker shade of black! Had to be done and it still stands! When you gotta let it out, you gotta let it out. These tunnels one travels through backwards and forwards consistently during our lives are all long and all dark and all cold! But as with all tunnels...........each and everyone has a beginning and an end....each of which has it's fair share of light. They must do or we would all be part of a rather large pile of rotting flesh at the bottom of Earth's tallest cliff?
Christmas dinner with my Twin Nicola, Lee and daughter Evie and Lee's Mum Pam (she met the Beatles once:), Collected Mum & Dad hoping to god that my Dad wasn't wearing aftershave (My Mum gets very bad migraines), drafted in to peel sprouts I was......strangley theraputic. Full kitchens, sweating Lee's, Beers (Cobra 0.0%) in the freezer to cool, new potatoes that I washed and were never even used. Throwing a slinky up and down the stairs with Evie, filming (my hiding place) my Dad whilst asking him very awkward questions about sex and wether he has ever had a gay relationship before (I was in that kind of mood). filming (more hiding) all sorts of Christmas stuff......kitchen, front room, kitchen, front room etc. The consumption of a nice dinner (first of two), no dessert, exploded beer bottles in freezer, green glass and beer flavoured snow (the only snow we got this Christmas) everywhere that I helped clear away, took a few photos, I hate taking "normal" photos! Worrying all the while about going home to my "shared" hole! Feeling like I wanted to go home............so I did and took my Mum & Dad home too to their seperate houses (divorced about 27 years ago) but still friends (sort of;). Went home hoping for peace & quiet..........Disco instead! Almost fell away into a deep hole, head in arms and sank (wrote post for my blog)! Got out bike instead and went for 50 minute bike ride around Bushy Park and Thames tow-path. Pretty quiet out there I can tell you:) I think a neutron bomb had been let off sometime during the day and I cycled through all the "ruins" so to speak. Back home now and jumped into the bath and the disco seemed to grind to a halt. Dropped some painkillers round to Jacs (who had a shit Christmas) for cramps, did my normal evening stuff before I went to bed around 3am, dreamt My Dad came around to my flat very deshevelled looking and smelly, he took his trousers off as he walked into my front door and his clothes were stained with piss and other things. He sat down on the hallway floor and stroked Dylan (My old cat who died about 10 years ago), I just looked down at the both of them and felt sorry for them!

Got to stop here for the day as my HIV pills are kicking me somewhere just the other side of here!

Next day feeling more or less........; So on to Boxing Day. A noiseless awakening soon put me in the right(ish) frame of mind (that's all it takes). Dad collected smelling very subtle (good sign), Mum collected who didn't smell a thing (another good sign), both happy as larry (good signs all round), Off to Tania's in Whitton/Twickenham for another dinner (second of two) and more kids. Nicola et al arrived also and people sat around, Naif & Tarn had a parsnip peeling race (or Parsley as my Dad calls them), Dad was kept quiet with a rather large book (good move Tarn;).......he read it I might add & was not hit with it very hard right over his smouldering & bewilldered head;) Mum read up-stairs for a bit, Kids had a ball as kids do:) Daisy was very chuffed with her new mobile phone, Naif, Daisy & I played guitar on the PS2 ( I really enjoyed this:), a little doodling on Daisys new drawing pad for her pc (and this too), more filming (mainly Millie's reaction to "Tickle-Me-Elmo"), she was freaked out at first by this one and a half foot tall elmo that almost laughs it's head off.....falls over onto his belly.....slaps the ground in submission.....gets back up again and asks for more. But she soon got used to him and as long as Elmo was asking her to tickle him it was alright for her to do it (kids say the strangest things;), another great dinner (second of two), "SingStar" on PS2 (I watched & listened, Millie (not quite 3) sang Blondie's Atomic & Tarn & Naif (not quite 33) battled it out during a rather iffy rendition of Daniel Beddingfields popular hit?;), The new Rocky VI movie was on in the background throughout the day (needed subtitles;), I have dark chocolate & biscuits coming out of my ears;)...................Home!

Do you ever feel trapped inside of your own life? I wish I was a kid again!

Tree is already back inside it's box! Bit of shopping yesterday (Wednesday) and a bike ride with Lee later up in the hills in the dark (update tomorrow here) ; Hope you like the photo Lee:) We had a nice bike ride last night (all 1 hour & 50 minutes of it) and yes it tried to rain and yes one of us had eaten far too much the two days before (didn't they Lee;) and yes one of us had far too much to drink last Friday night (didn't they Lee;) How many Tequila Slammers did you have? And after how many pints of lager were those Slammers slammed into you? Good for you Lee mate;) Got to give him credit for getting up at 10am the next morning, albeit feeling and also looking a little like a 6ft 5ins zombie;)
So you have to hand it too him really. He did rather quite well considering. And he was wearing combat trousers to keep his legs warm (all 9ft of them both) and it wasn't even that cold was it.
The weather was interesting where as last time I was up there on my own last Thursday in the fog in the valley, it was up on the summit this time and the valley was clear. Hence the photo of us both (named in our rear lights) being nice and fog free. That was an interesting photoshoot eh Lee. How many times did we go back and forward to get the shot? It was good fun though and next time I must remember to bring my tiny little tripod I got from Lee & Nic that you can twist around small branches and posts for an instant tripod! We mainly went all that way to the Surrey Hills just to ride down "Barry Knows Best" really, in the dark! It was good too. Because you have two fingers on each hand (index & middle) permanantly on the brake levers, the thumb, little & the one next to it are the only fingers actually holding the grips. This makes the muscle in the padded part of the inside of each hand ache & burn like mad! But as soon as we reached the bottom we wanted to do it again.
So back to the car and some cinnamon milk chocolate (courtesy of yours truly this time;) to finish off our festive ride and then a quick delivery of a 6 and a half foot tall man back to Strawberry Hill 22 miles away.

Done it!


Jason

P.s. You may have noticed I have changed the name of my Blog. I would like to know what you think and indeed if I should have changed it at all. I had been thinking of this name for quite some time and if I had thought longer about the naming of my Blog when I first created it I probably would have come up with this anyway. It is taken from the first line of a Joy Division song called "Decades" written by Ian Curtis. Find it on the internet and have a listen if you want. The dark sound of the song and the tragic lyrics sum me up pretty well I think. And without knowing it have done for years and years. You may have gathered that JD are my favorite band.






(C) JPT 2006