45th Injection & a Little S&M(ile)...

"Smile" stencil, Hounslow, Middlesex, yesterday.



S&M? I here you all cry. Whats our Jason doing? A little S&M?
It all depends really what you take S&M to mean I suppose. Ok, a little less "S" and maybe more"M" is what I am trying to say. Any Haemophiliac will tell you that sticking very sharp needles into oneself on a weekly, sometimes daily basis is a little masochistic to say the least. But do we enjoy it? Yes I suppose we do. I do anyway.....not in the usual meaning for masochism I don't! Definitely not. And they go into my vein and nowhere else I think I ought to add;) But I do get the satisfaction (especially during a very bad bleed) of knowing that by doing so will make the pain go away whereas painkillers just cannot accommodate.
As I was walking over Kingston Bridge into Bentalls I was thinking just how glad I was to have left my car the otherside of it and how I was glad not to have ventured too far beyond the point of no return when parking my car and getting stuck in the longest, slowest, noisiest & most solid line of cars that I have ever seen, all doing a little post-Christmas shopping maybe?.......More like taking that god awful jumper back to where it jolly well belongs - "S&M".........sorry, I meant "M&S" this time;)....or that keep fit DVD that....well.....will never ever get used;). "I am not a sadist" I was saying to myself walking casually by an idling Porche 911 Turbo making it's frog like way to find a non-existible parking place on the otherside of the bridge. I walked by quite a few cars in fact just like that one. All of them seemingly going backwards. All the while I was walking over the bridge watching a very orange and large setting sun (one of the last this year) and marvelling at it's beauty. I saw some ducks floating in the Thames full up from eating too much Christmas pudding - they made me smile;) I noticed a plaque on the bridge that said "This bridge was built in 1828 and replaces a much earlier wooden bridge that was knocked down deliberately in 1554 to stop some bloke called Thomas Wyatt & his rebels from crossing it".........."I am not a sadist" I said to myself once again...........& I was right. I was over the bridge and inside Bentalls within 10 minutes with no sign of Mr Wyatt and not one of his rebels showed up to stop me either;) It felt good to know that the Porche & his friends were most probably still on the bridge falling into a deep, exhaust fume induced coma. Let the sleeping dogs lie..........forever!
My feet were already aching before I left the comfort of my car by Hampton Wick train Station and by the time I was over the bridge they were hurting but from experience I new that I would be fine just so long as I kept a good eye on the pavement to make sure I wasn't going to step on anything resembling a miniature Beachy Head inbetween the paving slabs! Besides, if it really came to it I new I could always catch the train back to Hampton Wick from Kingston (just one stop) but I was feeling more than confident I wouldn't need to. The pain us Haemophiliacs put up with eh.......just so we don't have to sit in gridlock getting all wound up over the way the twat in front treats his car like a Formula One racing car everytime there is a gap to fill as the traffic slowly moves forward making little car sized gaps to be filled as quickly as possible. So a little pain has got to be better than that hasn't it? A little more of some of that "M" again didn't do anyone any harm did it. If I had been in the safety of my car behind what is normally several Michael Schumacher's all in a line it would have been more "S" than "M" and yes.........I would of enjoyed every minute of it slamming their heads together in a kind of mass Formula One race team orgy;)
The actual shopping experience too was on my mind as I walked over that bridge. I new it was going to be busy (F**k was it ever!) but I didn't mind too much and didn't need to rush about trying to get back home for a bike ride as I had been out the night before (see last post). And all I was there for was to take a polo shirt I had gotten from my friend Jac back to get the electronic security tag off that was still connected to it! She heard the alarm go off as she walked out and didn't think anything of it.......neither did the security officer it seems.
I even (very briefly) considered keeping the tag (ruining the shirt) but I just thought of all the fun I could have had with that tag waiting outside the store for someone coming out carrying several bags and watching them look down at their bags as the alarm goes off, then looking up at everyone else around them who are staring at the bag holder who is facially saying "I didn't steal anything" "I'm not a thief." & then being asked to empty all 9 shopping bags to look for "alleged" stolen DVD of "Desperate Housewives". We've all been through it and I wonder why we all look so guilty when it does happen since we know damn well we hadn't stolen anything.........or had we;) (I must remember not to miss my next "Kleptomaniacs Anonymous" meeting;) But I soon forgot about the whole idea as practically thinking, I would only be able to do it the once (don't forget, I would have to try and get out of the store again myself) so I opted to keep the shirt because a) I can wear the shirt on numerous occasions and b) I Love it too:)

I got my shirt sorted (the whole reason I was there in the first place) and what usually happens when you go shopping for just the one thing? You guessed it.........I eneded up buying padded undershorts (2 pairs) for cycling, 3 new pillows, 1 kingsize mattress protector, 1 10.5 tog duvet, 1 can of de-greaser for cleaning my bike chain.....all of which resulted in a trip back over the bridge (hello Mr Porche) to my car to free my hands for more shopping.........more "M" it seems:)

Then later on I was sticking more needles into my flesh with the completion of my 45th Interferon injection at 23:30 last night (Thursday) after inflicting more "S&M" on my brain with 2 hours of the Christmas "The Big Fat Quiz of the Year". Brilliant stuff! That was the best tv I saw over the whole Christmas period. David Walliams & Rob Brydon were brilliant and Russell Brand & Noel Fielding wonderful. My 45th injection went very well and I even took a photo of this one sticking out of my side. For some strange bloody reason I am beginning to feel a little emotional knowing it will all be over in 3 weeks. You never know.......I may get to do the whole 48wks all over again someday. I'd rather not but at least I know I can easily do it.

But if you're not into "S&M", take away the Ampersand, add a little I, an L ( the bent at the bottom sort) & also pop an E on the end for good measure:)

If you're interested, the photo I took of the "Smile" stencil was sprayed onto the side of "The North Star" public house opposite Hounslow railway station. The whole stencil from the bottom of the "girl" to the top of the word "smile" is about 4ft high. My Sister Tania found it and told me about it thinking it was an original Banksy stencil. It's good but I don't think it is a Banksy. I have seen numerous Banksy's and you can just tell.......plus he usually signs them.


Jason






(C) JPT 2006

Alternative Christmas Light's

Pitch Hill last night.



So that is Christmas out of the way once again. I never thought I would see so many since Semptember 1987! I honestly thought I would not even see the new year that was 1988. Strange how things turn out eh. And even stranger just how long one seems to dwell and lie scared throughout the years since just waiting for a terrible end. Then when it doesn't come........what do you do? Just keep waiting as it is easier than looking forward.
Big rut ahead......unseen!
Fall blinded head first into rut.
Lie in the bottom of rut not doing much of anything except waiting to die.
See small but not very bright glimpses of top edge of rut.
Look at where you are lying in rut then back up to the light.
Decide very quickly which place is easier to reach and fall asleep again......waiting!
Right where you were all along............in the rut!

You may have noticed that in my posts (well, the last three anyway and in particular the last one) I may have seemed a little down to say the least. Just reassuring you that all is ok. I often feel this way and even before I started tx for Hep C I was prone to these bouts of feeling down and lost etc. I wouldn't say I am depressed, not that I would know even if I was depressed because I think a truly depressed person wouldn't necessarily know that they were even (so maybe I am depressed then;). But wether I am or am not in a depressed state I am dealing with it in my own unique way.

So onto the last few days then in one quick(ish) text bite:)

Noisy next door neighbors....the worst kind....Just nowhere near damn f*****g cold enough to even begin to "Feel" like Christmas! Where is the god damn snow? Posting a blog that is a darker shade of black! Had to be done and it still stands! When you gotta let it out, you gotta let it out. These tunnels one travels through backwards and forwards consistently during our lives are all long and all dark and all cold! But as with all tunnels...........each and everyone has a beginning and an end....each of which has it's fair share of light. They must do or we would all be part of a rather large pile of rotting flesh at the bottom of Earth's tallest cliff?
Christmas dinner with my Twin Nicola, Lee and daughter Evie and Lee's Mum Pam (she met the Beatles once:), Collected Mum & Dad hoping to god that my Dad wasn't wearing aftershave (My Mum gets very bad migraines), drafted in to peel sprouts I was......strangley theraputic. Full kitchens, sweating Lee's, Beers (Cobra 0.0%) in the freezer to cool, new potatoes that I washed and were never even used. Throwing a slinky up and down the stairs with Evie, filming (my hiding place) my Dad whilst asking him very awkward questions about sex and wether he has ever had a gay relationship before (I was in that kind of mood). filming (more hiding) all sorts of Christmas stuff......kitchen, front room, kitchen, front room etc. The consumption of a nice dinner (first of two), no dessert, exploded beer bottles in freezer, green glass and beer flavoured snow (the only snow we got this Christmas) everywhere that I helped clear away, took a few photos, I hate taking "normal" photos! Worrying all the while about going home to my "shared" hole! Feeling like I wanted to go home............so I did and took my Mum & Dad home too to their seperate houses (divorced about 27 years ago) but still friends (sort of;). Went home hoping for peace & quiet..........Disco instead! Almost fell away into a deep hole, head in arms and sank (wrote post for my blog)! Got out bike instead and went for 50 minute bike ride around Bushy Park and Thames tow-path. Pretty quiet out there I can tell you:) I think a neutron bomb had been let off sometime during the day and I cycled through all the "ruins" so to speak. Back home now and jumped into the bath and the disco seemed to grind to a halt. Dropped some painkillers round to Jacs (who had a shit Christmas) for cramps, did my normal evening stuff before I went to bed around 3am, dreamt My Dad came around to my flat very deshevelled looking and smelly, he took his trousers off as he walked into my front door and his clothes were stained with piss and other things. He sat down on the hallway floor and stroked Dylan (My old cat who died about 10 years ago), I just looked down at the both of them and felt sorry for them!

Got to stop here for the day as my HIV pills are kicking me somewhere just the other side of here!

Next day feeling more or less........; So on to Boxing Day. A noiseless awakening soon put me in the right(ish) frame of mind (that's all it takes). Dad collected smelling very subtle (good sign), Mum collected who didn't smell a thing (another good sign), both happy as larry (good signs all round), Off to Tania's in Whitton/Twickenham for another dinner (second of two) and more kids. Nicola et al arrived also and people sat around, Naif & Tarn had a parsnip peeling race (or Parsley as my Dad calls them), Dad was kept quiet with a rather large book (good move Tarn;).......he read it I might add & was not hit with it very hard right over his smouldering & bewilldered head;) Mum read up-stairs for a bit, Kids had a ball as kids do:) Daisy was very chuffed with her new mobile phone, Naif, Daisy & I played guitar on the PS2 ( I really enjoyed this:), a little doodling on Daisys new drawing pad for her pc (and this too), more filming (mainly Millie's reaction to "Tickle-Me-Elmo"), she was freaked out at first by this one and a half foot tall elmo that almost laughs it's head off.....falls over onto his belly.....slaps the ground in submission.....gets back up again and asks for more. But she soon got used to him and as long as Elmo was asking her to tickle him it was alright for her to do it (kids say the strangest things;), another great dinner (second of two), "SingStar" on PS2 (I watched & listened, Millie (not quite 3) sang Blondie's Atomic & Tarn & Naif (not quite 33) battled it out during a rather iffy rendition of Daniel Beddingfields popular hit?;), The new Rocky VI movie was on in the background throughout the day (needed subtitles;), I have dark chocolate & biscuits coming out of my ears;)...................Home!

Do you ever feel trapped inside of your own life? I wish I was a kid again!

Tree is already back inside it's box! Bit of shopping yesterday (Wednesday) and a bike ride with Lee later up in the hills in the dark (update tomorrow here) ; Hope you like the photo Lee:) We had a nice bike ride last night (all 1 hour & 50 minutes of it) and yes it tried to rain and yes one of us had eaten far too much the two days before (didn't they Lee;) and yes one of us had far too much to drink last Friday night (didn't they Lee;) How many Tequila Slammers did you have? And after how many pints of lager were those Slammers slammed into you? Good for you Lee mate;) Got to give him credit for getting up at 10am the next morning, albeit feeling and also looking a little like a 6ft 5ins zombie;)
So you have to hand it too him really. He did rather quite well considering. And he was wearing combat trousers to keep his legs warm (all 9ft of them both) and it wasn't even that cold was it.
The weather was interesting where as last time I was up there on my own last Thursday in the fog in the valley, it was up on the summit this time and the valley was clear. Hence the photo of us both (named in our rear lights) being nice and fog free. That was an interesting photoshoot eh Lee. How many times did we go back and forward to get the shot? It was good fun though and next time I must remember to bring my tiny little tripod I got from Lee & Nic that you can twist around small branches and posts for an instant tripod! We mainly went all that way to the Surrey Hills just to ride down "Barry Knows Best" really, in the dark! It was good too. Because you have two fingers on each hand (index & middle) permanantly on the brake levers, the thumb, little & the one next to it are the only fingers actually holding the grips. This makes the muscle in the padded part of the inside of each hand ache & burn like mad! But as soon as we reached the bottom we wanted to do it again.
So back to the car and some cinnamon milk chocolate (courtesy of yours truly this time;) to finish off our festive ride and then a quick delivery of a 6 and a half foot tall man back to Strawberry Hill 22 miles away.

Done it!


Jason

P.s. You may have noticed I have changed the name of my Blog. I would like to know what you think and indeed if I should have changed it at all. I had been thinking of this name for quite some time and if I had thought longer about the naming of my Blog when I first created it I probably would have come up with this anyway. It is taken from the first line of a Joy Division song called "Decades" written by Ian Curtis. Find it on the internet and have a listen if you want. The dark sound of the song and the tragic lyrics sum me up pretty well I think. And without knowing it have done for years and years. You may have gathered that JD are my favorite band.






(C) JPT 2006

Not Surface Pleasure, but beneath...

My tree. Dec 25th 2006



But where? For I have looked plenty! I seem to be lost in it all.
I've been here before mind......looking. Can't seem to find it.
It will come along someday, when I'm not looking probably.
Has it already been and gone? Hadn't thought of that.
If it hasn't........how will I know it when it does?
Waiting for something too......the end actually.
Right on it's toes once, I was stood looking at it in the face.
I stepped toward it and he stepped back!
It is just plain agony now.....this game.
Looks like I may have stopped in my tracks a while back and let him carry on.
Still there in front......not too far away. He's not that stupid......the teasing bastard!
Getting fed up I am, and feeling vulnerable.
Only the tiniest thing does it! Fuck's it all up for me!
Just living their lives is all......but why here in my space?
Don't they realise the score? Of course they don't.
Even if they did, then why should they give a shit!
I don't give a shit about them! Or do I?
There is no ball small enough that I can become.
Just have to face it I suppose......can't escape.
Even our holes, painstakingly crafted over years are no longer our own!
There is room only in here for one......not for me it seems!
Where can I go from here? How did I get here even?
Supposed to be Christmas and look.....
Look what it is doing to me! Just one tiny thing fucks it up!
Trivial Pursuits anyone? No? Thought not.
One year after the next after the next after........
I got people, I got enough people. Good people.
Close to me. To close? To good? To many?
Some might say I need something altering.
Others might say I am doing just fine.
I say I suppose they are right. Everyone is right.
People come and go all around me.
Some are around for longer than others.
Some are dust before you know it. Swept along through their own long dark tunnel.
More trips to the hospital, through my own tunnel.
I can see the end of that tunnel standing on the platform waiting to come home again.
But where does it come out at? Just the otherside.
Back where I started from in fact.
Still a long dark tunnel.......from either end.
Can't win...



Jason






(C) JPT 2006

"Shimmering Autopsy"

York House Gardens, Twickenham. October 2006



Dreams of sterile rooms set aside for me
Dreams of bodies waiting for my eyes to see
Dreams of cleanliness, disorder & fear
Dreams of dustless surfaces, no flies in here
Dreams of sliding up to exposed muscle & veins
Dreams of missing skin & back bones on display
Dreams of being curious & wanting up close
Dreams of slight bodily smells not unpleasant
Dreams of fresh flesh slipping
Dreams of bloodless white fat
Dreams of my eyes taking it all in
Dreams of what her face would be like with skin
Dreams of what shape her mouth was in
Dreams of her being wrapped in plastic
Dreams of the moment when she was taken away
Dreams of me wanting her back to stay
Dreams of a monitor showing me smiles
Dreams of the image fading, she's gone for a while
Dreams of static, then black, then nothing
Dreams of Forum Members bringing sandwiches
Dreams of one being another
Dreams of some being nobody
Dreams of small sections missing
Dreams of bites being taken
Dreams of bites being left
Dreams of being here before
Dreams of always being here


Jason





(C) JPT 2006

44th Injection & "Satan in My Arms..."

Winter Solstice, Holmbury Hill this afternoon.

What the hell is going on here then! And who's hands are these hovering over the vein in the crook of my right elbow? I can't see a face.......I don't even think of looking up! I have never been one to look up.....I need.....no, NEED to see where I am placing my feet and their ever so delicate ankles, I don't like people looking at me, so I look down to avoid being seen, I look for cracks in the paving slabs......I cannot afford to step on one.....if I do I will die of a horrible HIV related death.....or turn a dark shade of yellow with liver failure.....and die!
I am in shock! I can't even begin to breathe.....not until this nightmare is over! Who's hands are they? Why my right arm? I have not used my right arm for what must be at least 15 years. I over used it........so much so that it seemed to collapse and failed completely as a vein! I switched arms at this point all the way over to my left arm where I am still spiking today. I started off in my hands! The back of them.....but this was just too painful and it always felt as though I was being injected into the bone!
So why the strange hands?......why my right arm?......and why me? This vein is such a pathetic vein! Tiny....defenceless....naked....scared & scarred.....resting from years of abuse and humiliation! After all.....this vein is the one that let in the Devil! Oh yes! He came alright, snuck into my body and into my head through this innocent little doorway! He brought along a few friends too.....playing games inside me they are.....deep down in the furthest part of my heart and soul where they won't be found.
These strange hands and their rough fingers prepare my tiny doorway for entry once again! My eyes are as wide as saucers.......I wan't to shut them and look away.....but am compelled to watch....I need to see what happens, just in case I can do something....anything to stop this! My entire arm is locked out in front of me......I can feel the prickly surface of the skin on these strange hands and their abusing fingers. They are dirty and weathered......long uneven nails filled with black!
I find my left hand clutching the fabric of my trousers......My nails dig in deep! It hurts me to grip so hard and I feel my nails cutting into my flesh! My vein is being pulled back tight......one of the hands grip my upper arm with tremendous strength.....I feel as though my hand is going to explode. I try hard not to look away again! My eyes are burning a whole in my vein! It begins to swell with blood....it feels wierd.......It isn't used to having so much blood running through it. My teeth are clenched and I am afraid they will crumble inside my mouth.
Then I see the needle! Long needle, blunt needle.....jagged mouth wide open! Dirty, used, stained with rust or blood or skin.......Filthy! Little drips of fluid fall onto my pale white skin and slowly drip down the side of my arm coming to rest in my hairs. The needle is only inches away from my vein now. The needle looks a bit like an old and war torn aeroplane back from it's killing spree coming into land on a runway of skin and scar.
My head is spinning......my eyes dry out.........tears begin to fall and soothe them. The needle slowly pushes into my arm........ I feel the rust scratching on my vein!.....Another of the Devils friends has come inside me.....AaaaaaahhhhHHH!!!!!........My arm feels like it is full of molten lead!.............I faint from exhaustion & agony!


Jason

P.s. 44th Interferon injection all done and dusted (10 minutes ago).......just 4 more to go.





(C) JPT 2006

Posting in the Fog

Hand-cut JAE, Dec 2006


Aviation fuel stinks! Ok, maybe not so much when you visited the airport as a child to see Concorde (needn't have bothered really since I only had to sit in my Mums back garden and watch them soar and hear them scream overhead). But it does when it is inside your front room! I am pretty sure it was coming from the aircraft that were cancelled over at Londons Heathrow Airport today. Fog bound is what they are saying. Although I have seen thicker fog on numerous occasions with no problems. Oh well.....I suppose it just bothered me because I could smell the fuel while I was wrapping presents.
It is foggy out there though.......I Love the fog and would be out in it on my bike if I hadn't been out yesterday already and didn't have these things to wrap blah blah blah!
The fog will still be there tomorrow and so will my bike.

Kingston-Upon-Thames had the pleasure of my company today along with my Mum who needed a few things as I did. I thought that whatever my Mum was planning on buying that I would pay for it and that would be her present for Christmas.......so I did. She got some Egyptian cotton duvet covers etc and a kettle too. I got myself a duvet cover for myself.......there is nothing like slipping into brand new bedding.
It wasn't too busy considering the time of year. The drive in was fun as I had to try and keep calm and just do my best to ignore all the tossers that inhabit the roads. I am getting very good at it too. I hardly broke a sweat & my heart rate stayed normal as I admirably kept my middle finger safely tucked away inbetween his neighbours. My Mum Loves the way I drive......she says I am so confident and if it were her at the wheel she would panic and curl up into a little ball down in the footwell at the first sight of another car;) It just comes natuarally to me.

Like so many other things in my life......that's just me all over really. Utterly & totally confident when I am behind the wheel of a car or scooter (Vespa) or mountain bike or syringe or needle or drug or pain or illness or side effects or heat or cold or heights or the deep blue sea or tunnels or mountains or planes or trains or people or depression or animals or fear or Love (with a capital L) or death..................So then why is it I feel so bloody lost at the same time?

Bit of a rubbish post no? Nearly didn't but wanted too. Pile of shite! Can't wait to get all fog-bound tomorrow out on my bike:)


Jason





(C) JPT 2006

Dear Heart........I Miss You!

Atlanta 2004


Born blind, they find,
Cold steel, soon feel...
But Virus! wait!
They don't Love you like I Love you!
Innocence, no more,
Pain starts, for sure...
But Virus! wait!
They don't Love you like I Love you!
In it goes, so kind,
Rape & pillage blood, I find...
But Virus! wait!
They don't Love you like I Love you!
Not living, that's fine,
Dying? Just killing time...
But Virus! wait!
They don't Love you like I Love you!
Hearts beat on,
The Sun still shone...
But Virus! Wait!
They don't Love you like I Love you!


Jason

P.s. Exactly one month to TX end...





(C) JPT 2006

Frozen Eels & Buried Treasure

My trusty cloud doesn't stray too far.


I can't believe that I went out this morning without actually finding myself in the bog for a dump! I always manage to squeeze one out before I leave the flat! Not today though. I will not say anymore about poo or having a poo or what I did to help matters regarding my disappearing poo act! Although I will say one more thing..........I did come back home feeling at least 2lbs lighter....ahem!............Oh, I do apologize.......you didn't need that much info did you;)

Our drive to The Surrey Hills, Peaslake, Surrey was pretty slow going; Mainly because of a very slow moving vehicle in the middle of the road. I felt just a little bit guilty when we eventually passed it and saw it was a disabled man driving an electric wheelchair and he was using his mouth to steer! He had a large flag extending out from the back of it right up into the air. And a back-up vehicle in the form of a van driving just yards behind him no doubt full of spare batteries. Then we found ourselves behind a giant orange tractor bouncing away on his big fat knobbly tyres. But the sun was out and the rest of the traffic was fine and besides, we were more looking forward to getting up in them Surrey Hills too much to be annoyed about traffic.
We (Lee & I) arrived in Peaslake around 12:15 and drove by the little triangle that is Peaslake Village........don't blink or you will miss it (or crash into the only shop there;)....Here also were sat several fellow mountain bikers drinking tea & coffee from the shop and checking out our bikes that were clamped to the roof of my car.....past the hotel, pub & church and then into the very bumpy and mucky car park at the bottom & precisely inbetween Pitch & Holmbury Hills.
What happened in the 10 minutes between us getting out of the car and then cycling off to the top of Holmbury Hill are best left un-posted! believe me, they are!

It was cold to start off with........very cold! And the sky was mostly free of clouds....almost clear in fact. The long slog up to the start of Barry Knows Best soon warmed us up. I had to stop a while so a fellow mountain biker who was just in front of us could blast his snot out each of his nostrils & disappear just ever so slightly away from my invaluable lungs! Disgusting!
So, all nicely warmed up and in serious danger of our balls over heating.....we pass by BKB (we will come back this way in a while) and make our way through the trees, over the roots, white shafts of light coming in low from the sun, around (mostly) the black muddy puddles, a little puppy dog that escaped from his owners and decided to follow lee & I until we actually had to stop so the owners could catch up with their precious pup! 10 minutes later we arrived safely at the top of Holmbury Hill (dog free......for the time being) and took a photo, had a bit of a drink, admired the fantastic view, started to get icybles (it goes from one extreme to the next in this weather......our poor nads!) and cycled back to BKB via the stinky, wet, muddy pits that are the The Yoghurt Pots (never again in winter!)......oh yes, that puppy that we kind of led astray? It caught us up at the top when we had our drinks and as we left it ran after us again prompting us to stop and the owner to run after him. There must be something about us that the pup really Loved:) I caught him by his collar and felt his warm soft fur:) We bode our farewells again and went to our favourite downhill section (Barry Knows Best). That track is great! It should be longer though. We stopped halfway down to take a few pics of each other jumping. The photo below is me doing exactly what I shouldn't be doing considering I have haemophilia! You just gotta though haven't ya;)

Me doing nutty's down Barry Knows Best!

Lee had his turn and just look at the shadow he & his bike cast on the ground. I wanted a shadow of my wheel in my photo! Bastard! Ah....but just look how high my wheel is off the ground compared to Lee's! I am much higher and I was going faster! Feel free to comment Lee if you think you were going faster;) His photo that I took with the really cool shadow of the wheel is below.

Lee trying his best to copy the egg-spurt!

We Love bombing it down there. Actually we Love bombing it everywhere, but downhills like that are the best because you don't need to pedal. Lee does more jumps than I do. That is probably because I ain't as stoopid as he is. But I did nearly fall off twice today, so who is the silly one now eh! Those bloody roots! One of these days I'm gonna fall off that darn bike and kill myself! Oh well. at least I will be having fun;)
We arrived at the bottom with big smiles (as usual) all over our faces and said to each other how F*****g cool was that? (as usual) & how we wish it was twice as long (as usual). And off we went past the Peaslake "Tractor Pulling" teams headquarters and swung by the little village triangle and shop once again and we were only half way through our ride! I popped into the shop as Lee checked out all the other mountain bikes. I wanted to see what kind of post cards they had. Really boring ones that weren't even photos! Paintings of Leith Hill tower and Peaslake 100 years ago! And a photo of beachy Head light house by the cliffs on the South coast..........I mean that is nowhere near Peaslake!
So for the next hour and a half we headed off up into Pitch Hill by the church.....through literally thousands of trees and over those; Ever ready to pull you off your bike.........."The Antient Half Submerged Frozen in Time Solidified Eels!". Twice I nearly came off during todays ride and twice I was just like a stuntman in a movie;) Lee & I want to get a helmet camera.......That will be fun:).
Up to the top of Pitch, had some lunch and more chocolate....MMmmmmm! Took a photo (see photo at the very top of the post....the bench one & check out the cloud seemingly attracted to me)), admired the wonderful view, listened to the little dicky birds tweeting & weaving in and out of the bushes looking for flies maybe? Such a beautiful sound! It reminded me of the sound the birds make in spring time. Oh, and a hot air ballon about 30 miles away towards The devils Punchbowl, Hindhead. Several tiny airplanes drawing little white lines on their light blue black board as they head towards Gatwick. Lee had frozen fingers, so off we "Bombed" it down to the bottom of the otherside of Pitch Hill by the windmill and found some short but very steep drop-ins that we had discovered a few weeks back in the blackness of night. We had a look at them in the safety of daylight and cycled down them twice each:) One time I nearly hit a tree head-on at the bottom! Very exciting!
Then..........are you still with me;)...........back up to the top and down to the car park via our regular single tracks with their twists and turns, roots and tiny berms, oncoming mountain bikers, fast downhills and a steep & very rooty (did I say I nearly fell off earlier?) section that eventually led right out into the car park. A flick of the stopwatch, a chunk of cinnamon milk choclate each, an hours drive and we were home. Dropped Lee of in Strawberry Hill and then promptly dropped myself into the bath back at my flat:)

I don't know what tired me out more..........the bike ride or writing this post;)


Jason





(C) JPT 2006

The Badger & I

An 18 year old T-shirt from Forbidden Planet of mine.

Badgers & the way that they seem to materialise just when you least expect it - I don't see too many badgers around on my bike rides. If I need a rabbit I just reach out and grab one (after a little chase) like an apple in an apple tree. If I want a Stag Deer I throw Monkey nut's (that's 'Monkey nut's' NOT 'Monkey's nut's') at it and there it is in the palm of My hand. If I want a midgey I just need open my mouth and on my tongue they land (like a great big pink wet bouncy castle. But badgers are pretty thin on the ground at the best of times! The ones I have seen that aren't sniffing out some tasty insects or crisps & cigarette butts etc (I don't know what they eat) and the odd one that I may hear rustling through the leaves in the woods (sniffing out a different kind of butt;) are either the flat kind (cars & lorrys are pretty heavy things) lying by the central reservation of the M25 or while out for a bike ride back in April I came across one in a chalk quarry (where the quarry there has doubled for the Planet Skaros (Dr Who) or the Planet X-Bar (Blakes 7) that pretty much looked asleep! Of course it was dead! Dead as a Dodo! And that my friends was the closest I have ever come to one...............except that is until yesterday evening when Lee & I were out for a bike ride around our local ride Number 1 (Richmond Park). The weather was great except for the strong headwind & the way it fired the rain at us like tiny wet bullets (it wasn't quite that bad) at a more or less horizontal direction straight into our faces! And the mild weather too made us build up quite a bit of heat considering we had set off out as though it were the frozen wastelands of the Arctic Tundra we were headed for!
Oh......did I mention the badger that ran out in front of me as I was travelling at a fair old pace in the pitch black with a very bright light focusing on just the part of the track that I most need to see? The F****r was pretty big too! It just jumped out in front of me! I almost shit my pants I can tell you! If I wasn't going so fast I would have smacked right into the poor sod's face with my front wheel.........& I would probably have come a right cropper and smashed my face on the gravel path......& Lee, being so close behind me would also have promptly said Hi to the pile of bike, bone & Badger that was me in the middle of the path!
It didn't end there though. You have to remember that all this happened in a matter of maybe 1 second! As I was nearly jumping out of my skin the poor thing ran into my back wheel and Lee said that it ran snout first into my back wheel and then it fell over kind of rolling back onto it's legs and legged it up the side of the hill and into the woods. I kept on going for a bit just in case it was coming after me! I eventually looked back after about 10 seconds and saw lee had stopped and was watching to see where the Badger had gone and if it was alright. I could see Lee had shone his light up the slope and all I could see was a thin wedge of light cutting through the dead ferns and bushes towards where the badger had sprinted too! They are such fast bastards when they want to be!
We lost it and well.....there was nothing more we could do except carry on. I do hope it is alright. So after nearly 9 or 10 miles completed and about 3 or 4 miles left to do, we stopped at the Richmond gate on our way out of the park and Lee went into his rucksack and pulled out two Cadbury's Flakes and a mini bar of Cadbury's milk chocolate each:) He always has some chocolate in his bag........I really don't know what I would do without him sometimes! Yum yum yum!!! I Love chocolate:)


Jason





(C) JPT 2006

43rd Injection & The Man in My Mouth!

My wall is well built, tall and very very strong!


Yesterday I was told to meet two people in a very small windowless room in the bowels of a giant concrete building. I went there feeling a little anxious but mostly curious as to what was going to happen to me once I was under their complete control. In this room I was sat down by a masked man and a masked woman! I was asked to relax and was told everything would be alright & that they would be performing a procedure on me not too dissimilar to some kinds of medieval torture! As I lay back in the grey PVC covered chair I interlocked my fingers together resting them, my hands and my arms across my slow heaving chest and looked straight ahead at this alien looking arm that seemed to extend out from the wall directly infront of me. From the end of this arm shone two tiny spot light beams which seemed to make a b-line for my eyes. I was temporarily blinded and quickly closed my eyes! Then through my red eyelids I could see the light was moving away from my eyes and down slightly towards my mouth. I was asked to open my mouth where a large metal & glass syringe was duly positioned into it. I felt a sharp stabbing pain as the long steel needle which was screwed onto the end of the syringe was inserted into the thin flesh covering my jaw bone in one corner of the very inside of my wide open mouth! After what seemed like 20 minutes of various sounds very similar to drawers sliding open then sliding back shut, cupboard doors opening then closing, footsteps to and fro in the space just behind me, the masked man & woman came back over and said that they were now ready and would continue with the procedure. I was then told to raise my hand if the pain that was going to be inflicted upon me became all too much for me.

One hour and one half of........
Drilling,
clamping,
scraping,
stamping,
numbness,
digging,
saliva ridding,
fingers,
thumbs,
elbows,
numb bums,
jets of water,
jets of air,
suction tubes,
mouth rinses,
one chair!


I never did raise my hand in surrenderment. I was far to stubborn to give in to these two high powered drill wielding maniacs!

Jason

P.s. I took the photo when I visited Inverlochy Castle in Fort William back in June this Summer. It was built in the 1200's and Ben Nevis keeps his beady little eye on it;) I Love this part of the world!

P.p.s. My 43rd Interferon injection went very well again. Just 5 more to go..........then what M? What are you going to use then eh;) he he:)




(C) JPT 2006

My Dad The Anal Bazooka!

For My Dad....The Greatest Farter in the Universe!


What a weekend eh! Just a little overwhelming in a strange, emotional kind of way.....but what a weekend to remember:)
Not only did I get to meet several wonderful forum members over at Covent Garden on Saturday but on Sunday I got the chance to meet the equally wonderful Annibee who you may have met over on the forum. She just recently arrived back from New York to her homeland that is England and who has just finished her tx last month. She would have been with us at Covent Garden if her friends wedding hadn't prevented her. She is a breath of fresh air and always so busy and full of life. And she looks so well too and is very well I might add. She is a wonderful person to be with. Her recovery since coming to the end of her tx was fast and obvious for all too see.

And this week too (so far) has had it's fair share of emotions. Yesterday I was due up (& duly attended) at the Royal Free Hospital for my 6 monthly combined HIV/HCV clinic. I hadn't even thought about it's impending arrival on the calendar because I have been so healthy and well and also busy with meeting so many new people from the forum etc, I had completely forgotten about what the apponitment I kept seeing glances of on the calendar was for. But as it turns out my HIV is still hiding away somewhere behind the 3rd & half of my 4th rib on my right side. My drugs are working and they were very pleased with my progress! And utterly amazed at just how well I am doing on my Interferon tx. I was quite happy during the train ride back home. Although really in the back of my mind somewhere I new I was alright.
And today also was quite an emotional day. I popped up to see my upstairs neighbour (hi Debs;) this afternoon for a coffee and some very tasty mince pies and well basically I told her all about myself, not for any reason in particular. I new she would understand as she is one of the kindest, friendly, warm and welcoming people I have ever met! And her husband too! I was feeling like I was hiding something and because it is such a massive part of my life and when we chat and have coffee and when I have been invited up for dinner I felt like a fraud and a cheat somehow. I can't really explain why I felt like I wanted to tell her. I just thought it silly of me keeping it a secret.

But I don't think that the rest of my week will be as wonderful as the weekend and the first half of this week! You may remember I had some dental work done last month. Well tomorrow is the day I have to go there again for the other side of my mouth to be done. I only hope it goes as well as last months! Oh well. whatever happens it will be all healed and more importantly pain free before Christmas dinner;) I shall tell you all about it in another post in a day or two. I HATE DENTISTS!!!

So in between all that I went cycling on Monday eveing and got covered in muddy rain spots from numerous puddles that dot Bushy Park and the tow-path along the Thames........basically my number 2 local figure of 8 route (number 1 being Richmond Park) I do that comprises The Palace in Hampton, Kingston bridge, Teddington Lock and then back home. Tonights ride was much better wet wise. But the wind!!! I had trouble even moving at some points! But then at others I was even helped along by the wind. One minute you can hear the wind blasting by your ears and nothing else and the next you could hear a pin drop when the wind catches you up. The speed you can get in these little pockets are phenomenal. Just the hum, hum, hum of the tyres gently crushing the gravel track as you pedal away and even the chain passing over the tiny rear cogs on the rear derailleur can be heard, meaning a little oil is needed for the next ride.
It is my Dads 66th Birthday today also. I went to visit him and we played Tiger Woods golf on the PS2 and needless to say I beat him;) In 18 holes I got 13 Birdies, 4 Eagles and 1 hole in one:) And $300,000 to boot:) He alright in small doses and can be very funny at times, but I do miss the way he was when my Sisters were younger.

Happy Birthday Dad:) I hope you like the photo. I took it where the kids go skateboarding down by the South Bank the other week.

Jasonxx





(C) JPT 2006

Alone but not Lonely

Twickenham Riverside Flood last Friday.

"The Sound of a Quiet Man"

Darkness pressing down,
light where one needs it,
cold,
wet,
half submerged,
calm,
half exposed,
still,
un-purged,
red with pain,
red with anger,
red with blood,
red with danger,
filth seeps in,
through holes in it's skin,
settling silt,
damage done,
permanent,
abandoned.
This is why you come?
To look, to stare,
To point.......don't care.
Alone but not lonely........................not alone....still bare!


Jason





(C) JPT 2006

London The Great!

"Hey! You're Ron Metcalfe the Hep C Forum inventor aren't you?"



We thought.....
We planned.....
We worried.....
We were excited.....
We were apprehensive.....
We went.....
..... & We pulled it off!

I was hoping for a good day.
As it happened, it turned out to be bloody Great!

And what a day it turned out to be. I alone had some small doubts as to wether it could be pulled off. Maybe we would find it impossible to find anywhere suitable for a venue. Or maybe no one would turn up once we did. And that when we did finally decide on a venue would there be anywhere for people to sit? Will it be rainy, windy and miserable? Would we all be happy with the venue and/or eachother for that matter. I mean strange enough things happen sometimes when people meet on the Internet, let alone in real life;)
But not with our forum folks! It went as smoothly as a greased up Christmas Turkey sliding down a water chute soaked in olive oil.

The weather was perfect being a completely sunny day all day long. It was a little nippy though, but I think this made us appreciate any warmth all the more when we came across some.
As I got ready on the morning of my London train ride into Covent Garden my excitement and some nervousness had doubled since the night before. I just never do things like this and it was a strange feeling knowing that I was going to be meeting with a bunch of people that I new only "virtually" from the WWW. I was mostly ready for it and couldn't wait to meet some of the "names" from the Hep C Forum. There was Ron Metcalfe the creator of the Hep C Forum and MartinB who is as you all know one of the most valuble members on the forum for his info, insight and knowledge in all things Hep C. Then there is Martins Wife CarolJB who keeps things in order over on the forum and amongst some more very important moderating Carol deletes all the Britney Speares nude photos sites too! I know, I know.....no one is perfect eh Carol;) But I usually get to them before she has a chance to send them to the great big boob-Cyber-heaven in the sky;)

Covent Garden was and is a fantastic place, especially around Christmas time. As I arrived to the gardens Piazza I made my way slowly around to the meeting place, mostly through large shafts of sunshine and then into shade then sun again, then winding my way through a small amount of tourists and locals that make this place what it is. There were people carrying crates of food and merchandise to their places of business, shops and cafes, markets and pubs. Others were wearing dirty jeans and steel toe capped boots covered in cement dust no doubt going to the London Transport Museum to help with its massive referbishment.
After carefully making my way over the cobbled piazza of the garden (I had forgotten just how big these cobbles were! looking more like medium loaves of bread made from granite all huddled next to one another in their thousands) I took up my space by the shaded museum and looked around me. I was alone it seemed and the first to arrive. As I waited my eyes were looking this way and that, checking out the people wondering around the place and thought if any of them were part of our gathering. The cafe ("Just Falafs" Where we would eventually spend the first leg of our meet) was just across the cobbles from where I was and the tables and chairs were all completely empty and the cafes staff were still opening up and putting out some Christmas lights around the perimeter of their little section of the square. To my left a Chinese man was setting up his speakers, amps and microphone for his stint as a Covent Garden street performer. The Sun was shining low in the sky and was gently filling a small section of the square with a little warmth and I moved slightly to bask in the Suns very last rays until next Summer most probably.
To the right of the cafe was a giant white dome covered in snow with a Mini Cooper car poking out of the front of it. It too was covered in fake snow and as with real snow on non-competition prize cars it had the words 'also available in red' written with someones fingers across one of the body panels. And between the white dome and the cafe some people were dragging out a rather large amount of clear plastic stuff and started to fill it with air from a generator.
Then I spotted a couple walk across in front of me towards the Asian performer and then back again. The woman was speaking to the man she was with and I instantly recognized her voice as being CarolJB's from the forum. I had spoken to her in the week very briefly whilst she was at the Ipswich meeting. I approached them and said 'Carol?'.

This was the very beginning of the London Gathering and first contact had been made:)

We introduced ourselves and as I shook Martin's hand I was sure I could smell Cornish Pasties in the air;) And as we stood there on the cobbles was the instant that I realized just what lovely and funny people that Carol & Martin are!
Inbetween Martin sparking up his little roll-ups, the clear plastic stuff eventually becoming a giant air filled bubble which Santa Claus would make his grotto for the afternoon and Carol checking her list of possible member attendant's, more members turned up and soon we were a rather modest bunch of Heppers, Non-heppers and ex-heppers alike. I can't remember who was first to arrive after C & M. Yes I can, it was Guy, Minerva and her daughter Amy. Guy was ringing me on his mobile asking me where I was.......at the same time I could see him just yards away talking to me:) Also I had already met with Guy & Minerva a few weeks back and again they proved to be such wonderful, caring and very friendly people:) Ron Metcalfe and his Wife Carol were next to arrive. It was certainly a great feeling shaking his hand! I didn't say anything, but I was thinking about all the good that he has done inventing the Hep C Forum.
Then in no particular order the other members arrived one by one including Wolfie (CitizenSmith), Carmen and her daughter Elsa arrived on their bikes from Battersea. You have to admire anyone who cycles in Central London on a push bike! (Hark at me, who cycles up and down the steepest of hills on my own and in the middle of nowhere;). Then Marie arrived with her butterfly dangly thing hanging from her phone camera taking photos all the while, which prompted everyone else to take pics too. Tonelsh arrived with his motorcycle crash helmet. Simon & Brix arrived too (I think Brix came all the way over from Europe just for the meeting......Amazing!). and we all went to the cafe just across the cobbles. We soon rearranged the tables and chairs into an L shape and were no doubt being watched by the staff of the cafe as we kind of made that section of Piazza our own:) Coffees and hot chocolates were bought and consumed, loads of photos were taken and tons of conversation was had by all. Dripping noses from the cold and spilt coffee from wobbly tables, snuck in Tunnocks Tea cakes by Guy that were very quickly snapped up and digested:) The heat from the stand up heating thingys was strong, but only for the ones right underneath them. Then eventually we decided to move along as the manager of the cafe seemed to be trying his best to put all the tables into their original positions. Plus we needed somewhere a little warmer.
Across from where we were at the cafe, through the inside of the main hall were more cafes and places to eat and drink. We joined a queue for some food in a place called "Pontis". Here we managed to find a whole length of table where we enjoyed some hot food, more coffee, orange juice and more importantly more conversation:) The surrounding area was packed with tourists and performers and made the whole atmosphere very Christmasy. I wish we were all still there right now. We all kept swapping seats so we could all talk to eachother in turn. It was such a great atmosphere! We all had so much to talk about and in so little time. It was fast but fantastic:)
As Martin said to me earlier on, 'It's great that people from completely different backgrounds and who would not normally meet under any other circustances can come together like this'. I agree totally. Hep C does infact have it's good sides.

So after all the wonderful talk, humour, warmth and getting to know one another it was coming to an end! So we all had to say our goodbyes and with great reluctance we did! The time that we all spent with eachother together was nowhere near long enough! A whole weekend in a country hotel would have been perfect! Now there is a thought;) As I said, people began to leave (reluctantly) for thier homes and maybe some Christmas shopping. Some went on to China Town too. I was up for that but new the instant I started to walk that I would never be able to make it! My poor ankle (despite a massive 3000iu of factor VIII before I left home that morning, my ankle joint was screaming for some more! Covent Garden Station was closed because of the sheer weight of people and I had to walk to Leicester Square Station just a quarter of a mile away. You can see the Underground sign for it from Covent Garden station but to me it looked like a whole marathon away. I needed my bike at this stage but nothing was going to stop my ankle from swelling up except a quick visit to the nearest blood transfusion facility, ie my flat in Teddington.
I left the Boss and her husband, Guy, Minerva & Amy et al and went home. I hobbled to the worm like trains underneath the City, got in one and then on to Waterloo and caught the fast train back to Twickenham hoping I would make it back to my car by the station before my ankle said 'enough is enough, I ain't carrying you no more boy!' (I did.....Just!)
My train journey was a strange one! I sat down breathing a sigh of relief and all I could hear was the throbbing pain buliding up deep inside my right ankle! I took out my i-pod and tried to drown out the pain with some tunes. This is where I began to feel a little down & emotional about the whole thing. I had a great time.....sorry, a F*****g wonderful time and now I was going home in pain and far too bloody early!!! I wanted to stay with those guys just for a litlle while longer. But as it has always been the case, my life is cut short in various ways and prevents me from being a "normal" person. But it didn't stop me from trying!
My only regret is I didn't take too many photos as I was far to busy with my new friends. But you can see the photos that Ron & I took here; http://www.flickr.com/photos/22809374@N00/ If you took any photos, by all means upload them to the same gallery as this one.
I have just learned that Topcat590 was there but missed us all. I am so sorry we didn't get to meet TC. Next time I will give you my number.
Plus to any others who didn't or couldn't make it (inc Ivani who was unable to come as her Son was in hospital, but all is fine now), maybe next time eh. You were certainly in our thoughts. All of you! Including our overseas members too.

Jason




(C) JPT 2006

Forty-two? "That's it. That's all there is."

A towel, it says, is about the most massively useful thing an interstellar hitch hiker can have (apart from his Factor VIII, HIV drugs & Interferon/Ribavirin cocktail that is). Partly it has great practical value - you can wrap it around you for warmth as you bound across the cold moons of Jaglan Beta; you can lie on it on the brilliant marble-sanded beaches of Santraginus V, inhaling the heady sea vapours; you can sleep under it beneath the stars which shine so redly on the desert world of Kakrafoon; use it to sail a mini raft down the slow heavy river Moth; wet it for use in hand-to-hand-combat; wrap it round your head to ward off noxious fumes or to avoid the gaze of the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal (a mindboggingly stupid animal, it assumes that if you can't see it, it can't see you - daft as a bush, but very ravenous); you can wave your towel in emergencies as a distress signal, and of course dry yourself off with it if it still seems to be clean enough.

More importantly, a towel has immense psychological value. For some reason, if a strag (strag: non-hitch hiker) discovers that a hitch hiker has his towel with him, he will automatically assume that he is also in possession of a toothbrush (free of blood mind), face flannel (same here), soap (sans pubes), tin of biscuits (dark chocolate Digestives), flask (made by Nasa), compass (prefrably one that has North on it), map (free of snail stowaways), ball of string (Larger than a rolled up bogey & smaller than Jupiter), gnat spray (scent free), wet weather gear (it will be raining!), space suit (holes repaired) etc., etc. Furthermore, the strag will then happily lend the hitch hiker any of these or a dozen other items that the hitch hiker might accidentally have "lost". What the strag will think is that any man who can hitch the length and breadth of the galaxy, rough it, slum it, struggle against terrible odds, win through, and still knows where his towel is is clearly a man to be reckoned with.


'You know, I've always felt that there was something fundamentally wrong with the Universe'.

But that hasn't stopped me from walking to my fridge (it's cold in there) just now and fetching my 42nd Interferon injection from the right hand side fruit & vegetable drawer at the bottom. No fruit or veg have ever been in there I might add (ok! Maybe a grape or two). Just a well needed & appreciated conveyor belt of Factor VIII, Ritonavir HIV capsules and a steady supply of my 'Interfering Interferon Virus Slaying Maniacs".
Although the time right now is 23:44 here in London, when I eventually post this it will be tomorrow when I have found a suitable photo to go with it from my vast library of snaps. But I can assure you that I have just done my 42nd jab and like all the rest (I am now sounding like a broken record) went in like all the others before it. I completely & utterly expect to feel the same as I always do in the next 7 days. Is there anything in that little syringe or have I been injecting little tiny amounts of water into my soft skin? Because it feels like it.
I remember on the odd occasion during an injection of Factor VIII into my vein and sometimes.....just sometimes the needle would go straight through the vein and all of a sudden there would be a big lump where the needle went in, a small amount of Factor VIII just sitting there in my flesh not having anywhere to go! And the F*****g pain too!!! OUCH!!! Sting with a capital S!!! Just 2ml or maybe as much as 5ml at the most depending how fast or slow I was pushing the stuff in would be bulging out at me to STOP PUSHING!! The bulge would go down eventually, but I just didn't need that sort of thing happening!
I was in pain probably at the time and it would have definitley effected the way I treated myself. Fortunately these occurances are few and far between. Although just the other day I did it with this new Factor VIII and I noticed this big lump develop and I couldn't feel anything! So maybe my Factor VII is just water too;) They say water is good for you;)

So, that is that, and that means just the 6 injections left.

'Not Life, not the Universe and not Everything'

Just a post is all.

Jason





(C) JPT 2006

A Profound Longing to Time Travel

The Summer of 1971.


This is the reason why, for me anyway, a time machine would be very much appreciated. This one single photo! The little girl is my eldest Sister Samantha and lying on the blanket are my twin Sister Nicola & I. I am on the left as you look at the photo. And the photo was taken (I just asked my Mum) in Marble Hill Park between the ice cream seller and the river Thames. My Mum says that my face is looking right towards the river. A family friend (Janet "Janet & Brian" Whiting) took the photo. It is quite painful to look at it. I haven't actually looked at it that often, not because I haven't had access to it, because I have. I just think that I have been avoiding it as it seems like it never happened. I often wish I could travel back into time and spy on myself & my family. I would probably be arrested if I did manage to go back to various times in the past. Watching children playing in the playground in Kneller Park (The Rec) down my Mums road. Watching her feed me my bottles and changing my shitty nappies. Listening to me cry out in pain as I was picked up and my Mum so worried as to why! I want to go back to that park when the playgrounds were dangerous and not so sterile and "Safe". Oh how I would Love to split my lip open on the solid steel head of the multi-coloured seated rocking horse........And get my leg caught under the narrow gap between the round-about and the dirty, lolly pop stick strewn, Coke can graveyard that was the ground beneath it. And to pleasantly kick little piles of dried, pure white dog shit around the playground would be wonderful.
My big Sis Manf (Samantha) has had the original of the photo above and my Mum had a copy made a few years ago which is hanging inside of her hallway, which I see every week. I have the original for a week so I can scan (which I did) and touch it up. As you can see, the photo really needed backing up. Here you see it in the original condition, before I have done anything to it. I scanned it 3 times with and without fading correction, reduce dust & scratches, backlight, grain correction etc. One of the scans already looks quite good and has really brought the colour back out. I will post it again when I am done.
It is only a polaroid and the fact it has lasted this long is utterly amazing! I am so glad to have it scanned now! It was so Lovely and also very sad to hold and feel the original.
Why? I will tell you. It is the only photograph of me (and my twin Nicola) as a baby (5 months old) and it was taken before I was diagnosed with Haemophilia and before I was given Hepatitis C and then later on HIV. Although it looks quite grotty and faded, cracked and torn........it means everything that is pure and innocent to me. Even my toy spaceship the Millennium Falcon from Star Wars that I still have was played with by an infected little boy. But please don't get me wrong, I Love all my 70's & early 80's Star Wars toys (most of which I still have) and will die with them by my side! They're just as important as everything like this that I still have. I don't hate anything at all "pre-shit happens", I just needed a little of something that was totally pure. I have it now. And I know that the original is safe and well. But I still feel some sadness if I let myself.
Hey! It's only a bloody photograph you twat!
I know, I know.........It is, but a million pounds is only a bloody million pounds!
You can keep the money!
So what I am going to do is try my best to touch it up on photoshop. I'm no expert on photoshop and touching up (I'll leave that to my Dad;) Although looking at it just now, seems like it will be a very dificult task to achieve! I can only do my best. When I have completed it, I shall show you all the difference that I have hopefully made.

Jason




(C) JPT 2006

Hampton Colour Palace

Pick a colour.....Hampton Court Palace, tonight.

Floating around the flat like some kind of other being, checking to see if the bubbles have gone down the plug hole in the kitchen sink after washing up. The bubbles take ages to go away! Every single time! I can't just leave them there! Fresh water and another few minutes and some more have disappeared. The tumble dryer is doing a very grand job of tumbling! And the tv is talking to itself in the far right corner of my living room. And my trusty Mac is keeping my face warm as I write this post for my blog.
My knee is so much better to be unbelievable. I thought I had really done it in last Tuesday! I have been out on my bike twice since Tuesday. Saturday and again tonight. Just a little one.......a little figure of 8 which sees some of Bushy Park and Hampton Court Palace, the Thames and Kingston & it's bridge (twice), then Teddington Lock, the studios and home. God it was windy! I got back just in time before it rained. Hampton Court palace have an ice rink built specially for Christmas and the palace is lit up in alternating coloured flood lights. I choose a perky yellow number with a slight dash of red. Very chic!
Cool blue was also rather nice. There is also an old fashioned merry-go-round there too. The kind with all the pretty horses and unicorns, each one with a different girls name.

That was my bike ride tonight, and before that I went to my friend Lee's to check something with my car. My temperature gauge has been acting funny for months now and just keeps going around very very slowly. Slower than a day hand on a clock. Anyway, I took it to the Saab dealer to fix it and they said it needed a new gauge and would need to order one and would call me back. Well, they never called me back and still haven't some 4 months later! I couldn't be bothered to follow it up, just so long as the car worked I was happy. The car is only 1 year old too. I suggested they unplug the battery supply and see if that fixes it. Oh yes, we done all that sir! They told me.
So today I thought I would try it for myself with Lee (he does all things cars etc) and hey presto......back to bloody normal! All that time without a temp gauge. But as I had the key in the ignition the door half shut and all the doors locked! Shit! I thought. Door wouldn't open obviuosly and even though Lee had a spare key to my flat (mine was inside the car) and my spare car key was in my flat I still panicked for about 4 seconds. While Lee just casually walked around to the boot and opened it, pushed the rear seat forward (fortunately it wasn't locked) and climbed into the car and unlocked it:) This is why Lee is my best friend!
Not only did he do this for me........As we went in for some hot chocolate, he had only gone and made from scratch a whole bloody loaf of bread! All on his own! The smell was to die for and a slice was very much enjoyed:)
He has the week off from his baby Evie this week as my Twin Sister Nicola and her have gone to see my eldest Sister Samantha in Doncaster. My Mum has gone too. Samantha's yougest Son hasn't been very well since he was born about three years ago, she also has a 13 year old severe Haemphiliac too (exactly the same as me but without the viruses).
Her youngest, has had all sorts of tests and things over the years and the docs are finally going to diagnose him officially in the next few weeks. I won't say what might be wrong until I know for sure myself. I just keep my fingers crossed!

Jason




(C) JPT 2006

The Great below

The Thames in Twickenham.



I dreamed in the night, probably more this morning than last night as I don't go to sleep until at least 3am every night. But I was standing above a rather large, brightly lit and very very deep swimming pool which was perfectly square. I was naked but warm and felt quite comfortable. It was dark through the windows that the pool was housed inside. I must have been about 100 feet above the surface of the crystal clear water looking down onto the small square which had other swimmers in already. I wasn't standing on anything solid but almost floating, suspended on some kind of invisible line. Without my wanting I was moving around over the pool in a random series of movements and just new that I had to jump. I was quickly deciding where & when to jump so as to miss the other swimmers, but just then I started to fall anyway! I began to build up speed all the while looking for a good spot to land. I heard the rush of air pass by my ears as my body built up more speed, almost deafening in it's strength, falling and waiting for the impending frozeness of the water as I would inevitably plunge into it. I was also terrified I might hit someone else! The other swimmers were completely unaware of the heavy danger that was about to fall into them. I didn't call out for them to move out of the way thinking that that might make things worse. But on the way down I learned that I could control my direction to a certain degree and land in a safe area. Finally I reached the water and disappeared under! The only thing was that I just kept going down! Deeper and deeper! I could see the surface and millions of tiny air bubble dragged down with me as I looked up and began to swim very hard to try to reach the surface. The water was very cold and clear and I was all alone down here and I could see the bottom approaching and the small square of the surface, swimmers and all when I looked up. All I could think of was wether I had enough air to reach the surface and breathe air again but I kept on falling deeper! I woke just as I started to struggle for breath. From where I was now, looked very similar to what the view had been just seconds earlier when I was standing above the pool. I must have drowned right there in the water!

Jason




(C) JPT 2006

Sorry....Closed!

Unseeing Eyes, London.



The Butcher delivers her pound of flesh,
To the poor woman who carry's this bloody mess.
Little does she know, her meat has gone rotten,
For all the maggots & worms, drops it forgotten.
Out in the hallway, they go and they come,
Not looking, not hearing, not caring......not one.
Dirty boots grind this meat down to dust,
Covering the sole & floor with a bloody rust.
No amount of cleaning to remove this dirt,
With this morbid life of pain & hurt,
Can be long enough to bare this all,
Until The Butcher re-opens for business as usual.

Jason




(C) JPT 2006

41st Injection.......7 more left!

Falling nicely thank you. Brixton, 2004.


Pleasantly falling under my trusty but small parachute. That is the way I have been doing things and that is the way I wanted things to happen. I can't complain, so I won't......besides, I have absolutely nothing to complain about! These Interferon injections are sailing by without so much as a blink or kiss. No scars, no pain and no leaks and maybe no virus either. That will be nice. I'd like some of that on toast.
Maybe there is no bread in the bread bin...........so be it! Next time maybe.

I got another NAM newsletter through the post this morning. NAM (aids treatment update) meaning National Aids Magazine I think? I have been recieving them every month for years and I don't quite know what it stands for! I hardly ever read them either. I check out the index and usually throw them out. I am well so what do I need to know about aids? I don't feel as though I have it, I just know that I do (the important thing) and that I am treating it in the best and strictest way that one can! I am such a stickler for adherence and that is why I am still around maybe. Keep fit and eat healthy, don't smoke and do not drink alcohol! Well just as well I have been doing those things for years. A perfect study case I may be. Perhaps thats why I am finding the Hep C tx so easy going. But overall it isn't easy at times and along with Hep C and Haemophilia things are made more difficult, but I manage somehow.
I shall always have my HIV to deal with if I manage to put the HCV to slaughter! Nearly there, just a few more to go. It may seem that it must be quite easy to keep this HIV tamed so to speak, but one really does need to be very strict with drug regimes etc.................Just realised that it is "World Aids Day", just goes to show how much I think about Aids outside of just basically taking my drugs and keeping fit et al. I have never been one for "World Days" except for "World Towel Day" in recognition of the late great Douglas Noel Adams of "Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy" fame. Details are down the right hand side of my blog in the "Websites that make me tick" section.
Anyway, enough about HIV!.............So boring! Give me the drugs and I will take them. Ask for my blood and I shall let you have a sample. But give me a Doctors appointment up at the RFH at 09:10 and I will tell you where to go!

Bloody hell! It's December already! I most certainly are not in the Christmas spirit yet! I might put my tree up soon and switch on the string of white lights I have hugging the skirting board of my living room too. I am going to make a few Christmas cards soon. Last year I did some. I use a craft knife to cut out words or trees and stars etc. Nothing too intricate but my right arm hurts quite a bit from it! I will probably use the same template from last years card. Or just buy them one like everyone else;)
What I am mostly looking forward to by far is being with my family over the three days that are Dec 25th, 26th and New Years Eve too:) Nice food and nice conversation (mostly) and watching Millie with her new toys:) Oh, and watching my Dad chew each of his mouthfuls of dinner for ten minutes looking exactly like a cow chewing grass;) Yes I know I said my Mum & Dad had divorced back in about 79 or so but they are still local to each other and still see one another at times like this amongst others. Actually I was at his last night playing golf on the PS2 and as always (well, mostly) I beat him.

God my bloody knee! I want to go out on my bike.......even in the pouring rain! But I need to stay off it! Shit my poxy bloody knee! How long will this take to heal? I will need to go out soon or I will implode or something. It has only been since Tuesday, but with no sight of my next ride I am already beginning to feel terribly isolated and pissed off! I looked up all about knee injuries and my knee is nowhere near as bad as the symptoms suggested there. I should be in quite a bit of pain and unable to walk etc. I think maybe I was lucky and stopped moving the knee just in time to prevent any proper damage. I did recognize what they said about the popping sound and grating feeling of bone and pain as the initial injury takes place etc, but the pain is gone and there is no swelling. Although I can feel some kind of buzzing, tingling sensation where it happened.................Boring!

I'd just like to apologize for the most boring post in the whole of Blogland and beyond!

Jason




(C) JPT 2006

The 18:50 into Heathrow

Marble Hill House, Twickenham, Yesterday.

Bloody knee! What was all that about? I have never had that happen before!

I had been out cycling last night and on my way home from Richmond Park I passed the back of Marble Hill House (see photo) in Twickenham, looking out onto the River Thames. I pass this way everytime I cycle to Richmond Park and even if I went the front way along the main road I would still pass the house with a very similar view. But the tow-path is a much more pleasant route. What with the ducks, swans, geese & even the odd water rat and not to mention the very welcoming lack of traffic. You do have to watch out for the dogs that have those rather long leads that seem to extend for the whole length of the path & seem to go on forever and ever. I haven't got caught in one yet......I only hope I notice or when I get home I will have a dog and the dogs owner dragging behind me in need of some urgent medical attention or in the very least a hot cup of tea & a dog biscuit!
My cycle around the park was just the same as any other evening, although there were less puddles than there were the other night, but the moths were still there........thousands! I have never seen that many before!
So, as I passed the house I thought I would take a photo of it and try and get a plane in the shot too. That wasn't too difficult since that is the main flight path (flying from right to left) into Heathrow Airport. But I did want the plane placed directly over the top of the house and central. I think I managed to get it alright (6 second exposure) and only had to wait for three planes (9 mins) before I got it. The Moon was directly behind me and looks to be entering his halfmoon phase and seemed to be completely at ease looking out from behind his black curtain onto the river and all the helicopters, planes and the "odd" cyclist. The river was perfectly still and the Canadian Geese were trying to sleep in the cold, dark water. The rest of the path was deserted and drenched in dull orange puddles of light from the tow-path lamps.
I finished my photography and got back onto my bike and my right knee went funny and the kneecap kind of locked into place! Very strange and scary as all I was doing was pushing away to begin pedalling. It seemed to go back in the right position again, but it still doesn't feel right. I might have damaged it! I really hope it is ok.........it really scared me, in fact I'm still not happy about it as my knees are pretty good compared to my other joints. If my knee goes then that is me finished! So I called off todays visit to Covent Garden and washed my car instead. It certainly needed it as does my bike, which will have to wait his turn (tomorrow maybe). Plenty of Factor VIII and it still feels the same! It isn't swollen and isn't actually a bleed technically but had to be treated regardless. I must rest it (ie, no cycling for a while and no long walks). Fingers crossed it goes away soon! I will give it until Monday and then take it up to the RFH and get them to check it out.

"Walking with your Eyes and not your Pain"

Washing my car in between the garages and the pavement, an elderly man slowly approaches with the help of two walking sticks, he is taking his time and I have never seen him before. I continue to wash my car, sponging plenty of warm, soapy water all over the black bodywork and glass. The sun is out, but low, and there are hardly any clouds in the sky. It is a wonderful day.
10 minutes later the old man has almost reached my car and I. I have been watching intermittenly for the last 10 mins and have noticed him stop several times to catch his breath so he can begin walking again. He takes the time he is stationary, to have a little look around him at the green parrotts that screech around in groups of about 20 from tree to tree. He is smiling too, always smiling!
Again he sets off with a new lungful of fresh air and continues his walk towards me and seemingly the end of the road which is about 100 yards away. One stick in front of the other, eyes looking down carefully to see his way forward is flat and foot friendly.
5 steps forward....look down.....up....down.....smiling.....stop.......look around....smiling.....eyes down......sticks.....carefully placed feet.......eyes....smiling.....5 steps forward.......until he finally reaches me.
I hear him say something and stand to see him. He is out of breath but so fresh and eager looking. He makes me smile. I say hello and he says hello too. He has stopped again and I say "Lovely day for washing cars eh"
Yes he says, still smiling, holding onto his sticks and looking around at the sky.
"I haven't been outside in over 3 months" he says. "I am going to try and reach the very end of the road today.........I really hope it doesn't rain!"
I look at the sky and my watch and say;
"I don't think it will rain" and told him he would be fine and wished him luck.
So off he goes again, very slowly and very carefully too. He seems totally intent on reaching the end of the road just 100 yards away. It must seem like miles to him, he must be in so much pain and he isn't letting on. I smile to myself again and watch him while I wash the rest of my car. He stops about 50 yards from the end of the road and speaks to an old lady for a minute, she is throwing nuts to the squirels. I hear the lady ask him how old he was, But I didn't hear his reply. I'd say he was about 80 or 90! He carrys on.......looking up, down......probably still smiling.
It takes him a while to do it, but he reaches the end of the road in about 20 mins and stops for a while watching the cars go by and the birds in the sky. Our road is a cul-de-sac and there aren't many cars at all that come down except residents. My road is a very quite, peaceful road.
My car is almost clean now and all I have to do is shammy the bodywork and wash the alloys and I will be finished. The old man is heading back after his journey and I notice as he gets closer that he is smiling even more now.
Several minutes later he has again found himself next to me and my car.
He stops again, and looks happy with his days work. Smiling all the while.
"Hello again" I say to him. "Blimey, that was quick!" "You did that quicker than you thought you would I bet eh"
"Yes I did didn't I, and I spoke to somebody on my way up there too"
"You did really well and should be very proud of yourself" I said.
"Thank you" he says. "You did a very good job cleaning your car, it looks Lovely".
"Thank you" I say and tell him that it was filthy and really needed it!
After getting his breath back again and finding the next spot on the pavement for his next step he says; "I must be off or my wife will wonder where I am" "I have been out a very long time".
I tell him bub-bye and say "I expect she will have a Lovely hot cup of tea waiting for you".
"Yes" he said, "That would be wonderful".
"Cheerio" we say to eachother.
I watch him, thinking...............how wonderful!
I am smiling now.

Jason




(C) JPT 2006

Alabaster Retard #1

Total Lunar Eclipse (Moon leaves umbra), Kingston Riverside, May 4th, 2004.

Here's a poem from the I'm The Moon;

Neil Armstrong a walking on me face,
Buzz Aldrin he walking on me face,
And then the third one, the spaceman a walking on me face,
All on the surfaces, and they looking at all the stuff that the Moon has got to offer, he he.....Yeah.

And when the spaceman come, he did experiments with a hammer and a feather,
And seeing that which one would land first.
And do you know, on the Moons surface, they landed exactly the same time.
He could've done that with anything; Beach Ball, Peg, Magnet....
.....Little drawing of a some chicken.
It don't make no difference.
When you are the Moon, everything lands the same.

When you are the Moon, there is a person there people say is the Sun,
I saw the Sun once, and it came a past me, really fast.....
And it was a, it was called the an Eclipse.
And it came past, but as it came past I licked his back.
He didn't know I licked his back, all on his yellow suit.
I'm the Moon.

When you are the Moon, the best for you can be is a full Moon.
.......and then a half Moon, he's alright.
But the full Moon is the famous Moon, and er, like, three quarters......
No one gives a shit about him.
When does he come?
Two days into the calendar month, he's useless!
Full Moon, the Moon,
The Main Moon.

One time, I saw a man looking at me, yes, with his eyes,
And then he picked up a tube and he looked in the tube,
And he made the Moon big inside the tube.
The Moon big inside the tube......ha ha ha ha.....
Oh, a telescope.



Thanks to Noel Fielding.

Jason

Decaying Paths....

Silt, Twickenham.

Went out for a bike ride today......tonight (yesterday now). Got spots of mud and puddle water all over me! On my legs.......on my back from the back tyre flicking up the mud.......from the puddles.......on my front too......from my tyre at the front. I saw it happen! It happened all the while I was going along..........the dirty track! My light...........a very good, strong light, picked out the spots for me.....each and everyone.....before they reached the surface of my clothing. Spots caught by the light looking more like tiny sparks of white hot metal.....spraying a little fountain just in front of my light. It was dark........pitch black all around me and my bike......just a little tunnel of light and the sparks showing the way for me! The surfaces of my bike too had a certain amount of mud and puddle water also. Especially the tyres......as you can imagine! It didn't stay there for too long.....mud displaces mud displaces mud......but at the end of the displacing it does find a home. My bike frame is very dirty! I can see it on my gloved hands and my sleeved arms.....little dark muddy spots!
I can't see this.....but I can feel it. My face has been affected too......along with eveything else. I felt it land..........the dirty, muddy water. My eyes were protected.....I needed that! A jogger shades her eyes from my light! My mouth too has taken in some spots! I wonder what is mixed into all of this! Dog shit.....Deer shit.....human shit......piss from all of them.....dead insects of all sorts are in this mud & dead leaves and rotting ferns.....cigarette ends.....sweet wrappers and a miniscule amount of rubber from bike tyres and shoes. And of course.......rain! I spit it away.....what seems like every two minutes. There is all sorts of decay happening on this track! I have plenty of saliva. I need it!
I am afraid of breathing in these moths that seem to have put up residence along this rotten path......attracted to my very strong light & perhaps my body heat too! Thousands.......millions of them! It isn't snowing.....they're moths.....moths or flies or some kind of insect that has wings and that is attracted to light, dampness and warmth and me. It is mild and they must like the warm. It is wet and they must like the wet & dampness. With me is a very strong light and they like the light. They are at handlebar height......mouth height......ground height. They are on the ground and in the air.....all around me! A man holds his dog while I cycle past. My eyes are protected, my mouth is trying to miss the moths..........I spit them away back through the air and back onto the ground. I would soon choke if I breathed one in! I breathe hard from cycling......I feel cool but I am hot and my heart beats fast! My legs are carrying me along this track.......covered in mud and puddle water! I dodge the puddles and mud.........try to dodge the puddles and mud! Not always possible! I have plenty of saliva. I need it! I have to get through to the other side, where the puddles and the mud are gone..........but this path is formed of a loop.......round & round & round! I have the strength to carry me there. I always have the strength to carry me there! I need it!

Jason