Butterflies entwined...My BMX bike is in the shed...It is three o'clock in the morning and all I want is to die!
Blood begins to simmer into some kind of semi-controllable frenzy...eventually erupting over into a much less manageable boil! I want to bite through my tongue and chew it off just to see if the pain in my arm will go away, maybe letting a little blood out in the process that has taken up residence in my elbow. Wrappers of various penetrating paraphinalia flutter down to the well worn carpet of this sickening room. I fumble helplessly with tiny glass bottles and razor sharp needles! Sordid thoughts of sawing through flesh & bone to relieve some of the agony push their way through my mind like a runnaway locomotive! Intent on a little relief from this intruding parasite...perfectly named pain!
As my heart beats faster & faster, threatening to burst it's volcanic hot contents all over the space in front of me, staining anything & everything. I can't get the tops off quick enough! Brave soldier...You're my brave soldier...such a brave brave soldier! The speed at which I work would become a blur to even the sharpest set of eyes. It hurts like hell though and I feel my teeth grinding each other flat! Why me I cry! What have I done to deserve this? The boiling hot iron filled liquid squeezes through absolutely every available nook & cranny...every fibre & capilary...ripping out minute fragments of my ever so precious cartilage!
On goes the hollow hair thin tube...razor sharp at one end and attatched to a syringe at the other. Putting this stuff together kills me and all I want to do is find a hole and fall head first into it...hitting the sides as many times as I can before I eventually reach the bottom with a gigantic thump! But there isn't one...there never is. The only hole I get to see is a tiny pin prick of a hole that I make in my numb & abused vein that sticks out like a starving leech...hungry for food...squirming for sustenance...pleading for plasma. The cooling effects of this deliberately spilled liquid is instant. Pushed and pulled and pushed some more...fuck the bubbles! It's all good stuff today. The hiss of cooling blood deafens the ears of brave young boys & girls alike. I feel like floating off to somewhere nice. Somewhere to recover from this pain induced exhaustion. My brow is wet from sweat...my throat is dry and tight! I feel dizzy with the euphoric ecstasy that now flows steadily through my tiny network of almost beaten veins.
Now there is time to relax a little...let myself go a little...maybe I can cry now? My jaw becomes loose again and all is simmering once more. I swallow and close my eyes. Gone are dreams of unscrewing my elbow joint and tossing it away in the trash. Gone also is that unbearable & frightening feeling of arms exploding...oh how I wish it would...Just for a moment. I can sleep again now can't I Mummy? Can you hold my arm a while until I fall asleep? I'd hold it myself but I don't think it likes me very much. I hate this being brave! Brave soldiers? I'm not a brave soldier! I'm just a little boy with a very bad bleed! Thats all.
Jason
(C) JPT 2007.........1420.49 miles
6 comments:
Jae,
Sorry about the bleed! Amazingly lucid description... I don't know how you can even type! You know the routine... keep the factor going, ice it, do whatever you can to get the pain to a level where you can at least close your eyes.
Hang in there, man. This, too, shall pass. Hollow comfort, I know, but it's all I've got.
Chris
Chris, sorry dude, I was writing about being a child with a bad bleed and my arm is fine thank goodness. I haven't had a bleed like the one in the post for ages now but the memory of them will never go away. They were really like that! The wishing I was dead and my Mum calling me her brave soldier and me wanting to rip my arm off or bite off my tongue to redirect the pain from my elbow! I'm sure you've had bleeds like that.
I have been resting a little toe bleed since last Thursday night and have been stuck indoors mostly (two bike rides too...couldn't help it;) resting the bloody thing. It's going down now fortunately.
I hope you're well my friend.
Jae
God, I could feel that, and it hurt like hell!!
I remember sitting in school at one of those old style wooden desks which was overflowing with books and lifting it off the floor with my thighs. I thought that if I got some pain from balancing this dead weight on them that then it would stop me fainting from the pain inside...
Have they got less painful really or are you just bigger and better at handling it??
Hey, no apologies. I'm just glad to hear you're not going through it. I can totally relate to your description... remember that nasty elbow bleed I had back in September? I was lucky I was in too much pain to go look for the hacksaw (yes, I contemplated it).
Ros, I think as we get older, we do tend to toughen up (or maybe numb up) to bleeds, but even then, every once in a while, one comes out of left field and knocks us sideways. I'm sure you probably know what I'm talking about.
Laters, funny-blooders! :-)
Chris
wow jae,
very discriptive, glad that wasnt recent!
hope your well, and thanx for your recent help
lewis
Oh my gosh.... how terrible terrible terrible, how awful, I could just feel the desperation, wanting to run, plunge, down the deepest hole, but having no hole.... Oh my little boy, I'd hold your arm forever, rest now, sleep....
Whew... I'm going to go hug my daughter...
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