"Shit Paracetamol"

Cross...Words!


So feeble, so vulnerable just now. Feelings of being trapped.........locked up in pain!
My ankle....my right ankle to be more precise is the one single bony thing responsible for my discomfort. It happens sometimes.....Often. Less often though does this kind of pain and weakness spill over into my waking hours, my walking hours, my 'real' hours. Thank goodness that it does only rear it's very ugly head on few occasions compared, in this acute way. I can deal with chronic.....you get used to chronic. It is bad enough being woken from my sleep with this excruciatingly rude bolt of lightning that shoots through my entire ankle bone! Even when I am concious and reading or watching a favorite episode of "Family Guy" in bed does it creep up and sink it's pain infected claws into my calcium phosphate formed walking implement! But at least I am not stranded halfway down a public street or looking through the new book section at my local Borders book store, or even standing, looking confused as to how on earth I am going to even reach my front door. At least I can feel happy with the knowledge that I am in a safe place and won't develop the bleed of all bleeds trying to make my way back to the front door to my flat from my car parked out on the pavement....The garage is just too far away sometimes!
A short walk around the bedroom floor and it gradually feels better......half asleep usually, more often totally under, but also wide awake too, for a little while anyway. Several times a night is not uncommon. Sometimes the sharp stap of pain can be so shocking as to make me wonder what the hell just happened and where on earth I am at....until I see the bedroom wall opposite me, and the chest of drawers and wardrobe, the purple garish curtains from the 70's to my left.....door to my right.....pain absolutely everywhere. Just a little walk around the bedroom soon follows. Doesn't sound right does it. A little walk and it goes away. That can't be right! But it works.....for a while. The painkillers do their job admirably enough. Four in total, all in one go. Codeine Phosphate. But even this mixture of chemicals can only do it's best and no more. I can't keep taking the bastard things! I got hooked a while back on painkillers (Co-Proxamol).....for several years. Just at night and just before bedtime. I was taking up to eight per night....sometimes all in one go! Great feeling, great nights sleep and not much pain......well, at least it was a beautiful kind of pain. Euphoric even....but not good in the long run as I found out. I didn't care what they might be doing to my liver. I was taking these painkillers way before I even knew that I had Hep C. I soon changed though. Not because of the possible liver damage, when I did eventually learn about my new credentials oh no! Nor from the fact that the drug was going to become a 'Banned' painkiller in these parts and would no longer be available. More likely because I ended up in hospital with acute constipation. They gave me morphine injections for the pain this caused. Now there is a proper painkiller! Keep me well away from that stuff.....not a good combination, Morphine & I. I am just glad that I never tried heroin.....it would have got hold of me and never let go of me that's for sure!
As I have said before....my bike is my wheelchair. It really is. Can you believe that I was out on it last night. 17 miles around the larger of the two Queens Parks that are situated near where I live. I should have stayed indoors maybe. But you know me by now right? I had to get out and not be locked up in pain....I would much have prefered to be locked up outside. I was adamant! Believe me when I say that the one minute walk....hobble more like, to the the garage was much much worse than the 1hr 26mins bike ride.....and the bike ride was agony at times!
I got an appointment at the RFH this morning.....a routine Haemophilia check-up. To see how much my joints have deteriorated since the last time. Talk of ankle fusions, talk of this, talk of that. I already know the talk.....& I already know what I am going to say.....that I am dealing with it thank you and that's that. Presuming I even get to the hospital that is. It's true! I am dealing with it I promise. It just hurts quite a bit right now.....more than it does normally. But using it seems to be slightly less painful than not. Just don't piss me off or I am quite likely to explode! But then again.........It may be completely back to normal when I use it. There is no way of telling what it will be like until I walk on it!

My HIV drug experiment is coming along nicely I might add. I have found the culprit responsible for my very strange evening side effects and have shifted it to one am, about half an hour before I take my painkillers. They also help with the Effavirenz sides. If you're wondering if it is alright to swap the time that I take the drug....then let me assure you that it is. The drug in question is only taken once per day and as long as I take it 24hrs apart.....then it is fine. I shall see how it goes. I can already feel the differences swapping it for a later time has made. I know longer feel like I have been filled with someone elses blood....boiling hot blood, swirling around my head, shooting through my veins and rushing past my ears whilst I am trying to write a post or watch an interesting documentary on TV. My brain nor my body weren't working properly during those times.....they wanted to, but couldn't. Then again......?properly worked ever brain my Has;)



Jason






(C) JPT 2007.........518.29 miles