Just a Body....

Gravestone, Twickenham.

This originally started as a post in reply to Ivani's topic entitled; "Towards the End....it is getting worse". And as I was writing it I decided to post it here instead and post as a link from the forum as it was going more off topic than on. Hope you don't mind Ivani.

Ivani, You are so very near to the end it must seem unbelievable! But that end is just around the next corner, you can already reach it, but it is hard I know. Almost entirely out of reach beacause of the way the tx is making you feel! But it is reaching for you Ivani and soon it will all be over. Waiting with open arms, scented candles, flowers and maybe even a little champagne. It is such a terrible shame that you are feeling so miserable and lost. I will be there with you at the end as I finish around the same time. I know you are thinking I am pretty strong as a person on tx goes, and I probably am compared to most, but even I have bad, dark days where I need to hide away from everything real and solid, hide myself away behind my wall and this wall I have been building since I learned how much disease and viruses can effect ones mind! When they didn't kill me physically, they set upon me mentally! I am such a solitary person it also is unbelievable! Of course I need others to keep me warm and make me laugh, but quite a lot of the time I need to hide and distance myself from this part of my world. Talk about attempting the impossible, but I try. Even my own family know little about my mental state as I hide from them too. I only just told my best friend of 26 years and Husband of my Twin Sister that I had a blog & even then I feel like such an idiot for sharing this with him. I don't know why, perhaps I want to deal with this all on my own, but ultimately I really do need others. I would incidently, be quite happy being the last human left on earth. But even that would have it's downsides! I am confused at times as to where I actually am in life. I honestly feel that people, including my family and friends would rather just not have the worry of me and all my problems! I have been feeling quite vulnerable since I started my Blog and introduced myself on the forum, but these things I think I needed to do and I am still at the very beginning of my road towards a "normal" life, if indeed a normal life is what I am looking for. I want to say sorry to you for not contacting you recently Ivani. Just now I need to stay in my dark place as here I know I can feel safe..........I am very much used to this place and although I'd rather avoid this area, I can't help but be drawn to it! I know I don't make much sense but for me it is second nature.
Also I may come across to people as quite strong, stable and well adjusted to this viral life of mine, but as I hope you can all imagine, I too find it hard at times. The forum helps immensely and my Blog too and obviously my mountain biking.
This may come as a bit of a shock to some of you reading this, as I may not have seemed like the sort of person to feel lost, like a body floating down a river in the dark. Where am I going? Where have I been? Where am I right now? The answer is out there, but is just out of sight at this present time and probably for the foreseeable future also. I am alright behind my wall and with my masks. I can come out from behind these defences quite often (or even take them out with me), knowing I can go back at anytime I feel the need.
I do hope that you feel better soon Ivani & any others who are feeling the tragic & de-humanizing processes of (hardly) living through Interferon treatment. I find it ok, but not so the years of darkness and terrified waiting to die & absolute need for some kind of time machine to take me back home:( To when I was a little boy........I will never stop looking!

But that is for me to find and find I shall!

I really do hope that you're well enough to come still on the 9th Ivani.

I do apologize if I don't make any sense......If I don't quite know how I am feeling, how can I expect anyone to understand?

Jason