"Stop Being A Monster, Jae"

Time to take away the mask?



You're alone in the dark, feeling like you don't want to go home. You're feeling as if life has all but finished, but you keep on killing.

The reason is simple. The reason is there for all to see. The reason being so simple. To kill. You won't find it in you until you've been and gone. Because you're living a lie!

Someone has got to see behind your mask. Your killing mask. Your monster suit! Dull your brain and don't say a word. Just close your eyes and pray. You feel excitement, and then you finally pray that it was long and painful.

It was.

Transform into a machine, to cut away your head. So you can stand back and watch and learn to be dead. If you don't know the pain, then you're still part of the preyed.

You will lose!

Because out in the heat it's strange, to see the blood of your fellow man drying into hard scabs of black shit, knowing full well that you're at the darker end of OK.

Avoid the blade or carry the knife, the choice is yours.


Look at this monster. A non-person with a mask and a monster suit. A semi-disabled nothing. A killer with your eyes in his head.

The greatest masturbator of them all, a sodden mess with a penchant for the end. He'd wipe himself out if he had the chance, but he wouldn't like it, no?

So, stop being a cunting monster!





Jason








(C) JPT 2009

"Comfortably, I Died"

Goodnight sweet prince.


When you say it's going to hurt, it doesn't, it just feels normal, but it still kills me. And, then I feel the pain.
And when you say it's going to be nice, it isn't, it just feels like death, but I won't die.
And, then I died. I died in a field surrounded by so much space. I felt so bloody greedy. But, I didn't care much as I was quite comfortable sitting in my car. My arms hurt but I didn't look down to see why because I knew they were smashed right up. My nose hurt too, but the rear view mirror was smashed. Out of the corner of my one working blood soaked eye I noticed such a wonderful sunset. It was blinding. I closed my eye and waited for the blood to dry it shut for good as I saw and felt the sun disappear for the very last time through my heavy eyelid. I may have been crying. Who knows? I felt like I was crying inside. Like when your dreams are so vivid and when you cry in your sleep you're really genuinely crying but when you wake up there are no tears. Your pillow is dry and your face kind of looks normal as you stare into the bathroom mirror. The cold tap running slightly. You can't hear the water pour because you made yourself deaf several hours earlier so you could listen to your heart beating and your lungs breathe in and out.
Now, as I sit dying in my wrecked car all I can think of is going to sleep. My feet feel wet, but warm. No pain. Just a gentle ticking sound of the cooling engine as my heart makes its final beats. I was on my way home, but it seems as if I am already there.



Jason








(C) JPT 2009

"My Cycling For February 2009"

A snowy Peaslake car park in February 2009.


A bit late in posting I know...and still March to come. Right now (April 17th) I have not been out on my bike since March 29th when I took a tumble on my bike at the bottom of the drop-in leading into Peaslake car park! In fact, I have been bedridden and have only just started to walk without the use of crutches. I must thank my good friend Jac for coming to stay over and look after me:) My right knee took all my weight and buckled under me. Fortunately I was only yards away from my car and managed to get home without causing further damage. Nothing broke but my knee did take quite a twisting! I am in such a foul mood because of it all (and my blocked sink and broken wing mirror!) and don't even know if I will be able to cycle properly again! So, please forgive me if I keep this short and go hide in a nice hot bath.
Fuck my knee, fuck this pain and fuck having haemophilia!!!!!!!!!



Sunday 1st February 2009 @ 14:20pm, HH, PH, WW, Ian, 16.24 miles, av 6.6, max 21.6mph,
2hrs 25mins, cold and snowy and sunny. Total 155.57 miles.

Sunday 8th February 2009 @ 14:10pm, HH, PH, WW, Ian, 17.45 miles, av 6.1, max 18.8mph, 2hrs 51mins, very muddy and snowy, rain for second half of ride, temp 2, wind 10. Total 173.02 miles.

Monday 16th February 2009 @ 18:40pm, SF & CW, Ian, Andy, Gary, 9 miles, av 6.9, max 22.1 mph, 1hr 50mins, muddy but dry. Total 182.02 miles.

Friday 20th February 2009 @ 15:00, RPx2 and a third, 26.7 miles, av 12.1, max 29.7 mph, 2hrs 9mins, mild & dry. Total 208.09 miles.

Tuesday 24th February 2009 @ 21:30pm, BP, 13.27 miles, av 13.1, max 19.8mph, 1hr, mild, dry. Total 221.09 miles.

Friday 27th February 2009 @ 19.20, HH, PH, Lee, 11.31 miles, av 6.4, max 20.3 mph, cool, dry, 1hr 45mins, temp 9 down to 5, wind 6. Total 232.40 miles.



Jason








(C) JPT 2009

"My Cycling For January 2009"

No, it isn't what it looks like! It is in fact Lee & Ian practising in a very strange and never before seen mountain biking ritual that I was very lucky to have witnessed! It lasted about three hours and both creatures cycled away from this warped scene with rather large grins smeared across their wind slapped chops!



Crikey, where has all my creativeness gone?!? I bet you that you thought I was done with my blog? I can tell you that I haven't. I have just been finding it ultra difficult to think of anything to put in it! Where have all my dreams gone? And my poems etc? Even my cycling posts seemed to be a waste of time and have missed January's and February's...until now that is. I still managed to jot down my cycling statistics and take the odd photo during all of my rides and shall post them here today starting with January 2009. So, what can I say about January? It was cold! It was muddy! And that's about it. Oh, and I turned 38 on the 23rd too. I thought that I'd never reach 30, let alone 38! But, here I am, still riding my bike and kayaking weekly...albeit in a heated swimming pool (during the winter anyway). I don't think I'll ever get used to having HIV, even though having it these days is really nothing to worry about what with the brilliant treatment regimes available etc. It was learning that I got it at the age that I was that done most of the damage I suppose? I wish I'd found out about it now, as a man and not a 16yr old boy just getting into college and girls for the very first time. Oh, and the tv adverts and news stories didn't help either back then! But, I had to find out all those years ago and at such a young age to give me the best chance of beating this disease and coming to terms with it. Which I sort of have in the way that even though I don't claim to know much about HIV the virus, I do know an awful lot about how to live with a deadly terminal virus, which it is, whichever way you look at it. Because left untreated will most probably end up killing you! I am an expert on taking pills and taking them on time and without fail. This is why am still alive. Because of me and me alone! Yes, they give me the pills and they pay for them and yes, they tell me what is going on with the state of my blood and yes, it is they who know all about HIV and how it can kill you if you don't take your virus seriously. But it is me who takes the drugs everyday, twice a day for the last 20yrs. It is me who tolerates the sometimes toxic ingredients and it is me who makes sure that I keep fit and eat relatively well and maintain my often warped sense of humour and strong and focused mind. And all for what? To stay alive and to out live all of you:)





Saturday 3rd January 2009 @ 11am, HH, PH, Lee, Ian, Andy, Gary, 14.45 miles, av 7.4, max 25.2 mph, 1hr 56mins, temp minus 3, frozen ponds, I fell off and got a bit of a dead leg!

Tuesday 6th January 2009 @ 19:10pm, HH, PH, Lee, Ian, Andy, av 7.9, max 26.2 mph, 2hrs 25mins, 14.98 miles, temp minus 8, no wind, light covering of snow from a few days ago, very cold!

Wednesday 7th January 2009 @ 15:00pm, HH, Tony, 6.72 miles, av 5.9, max 20.2 mph, 1hr, temp zero.

Sunday 11th January 2009 @ 12:35pm, HH, PH, Lee, Ian, 14.71 miles, av 6.9, max 20.4 mph, 2hrs 7mins, much milder and a bit muddier, windy, right elbow hurt a lot!

Wednesday 14th January 2009 @ 19:30-22:00pm, LH, Lee, Ian, Tyrone, 17 miles, av 7.8, max 30.9 mph, 2hrs 10mins, temp 1, no wind, need new middle and granny ring!

Tuesday 20th January 2009 @ 15:00, RPx2 and a third, 28.35 miles, av 11.5, max 26.1 mph, 2hrs 27mins, dry, cool, new Cateye trip computer (Strada in white).

Saturday 24th January 2009 @ 15:00pm, RPx1 and a third, 21.42 miles, av 10, max 28.4 mph, 1hr 38mins, cold, sunny, dry, temp 1, wind 9.

Tuesday 27th January 2009 @ 16:30pm, RPx2, 21.60 miles, av 11.4, max 24.8 mph, 1hr 54mins, dry, cool, temp 5, wind 7.




Jason








(C) JPT 2009

"Nine Of Nine"

Nine in life and nine in death!



It's so true!!!! In the last few hours I have looked at the time three times and two of them (the first and third time) the times said 11:11pm and 01:12am! Both add up to thirteen! It drives me, I must admit, slightly mad! I have to wait by the clock (wherever it may be) until it flips over to fourteen! Sometimes this can last almost exactly one minute! I find myself holding my breath...saying to my self that if I can't hold it long enough before the numerals flip away from thirteen...then I shall die! I have failed once or twice to hold my breath long enough in the past! I have yet to find that I have died as a result of my failures, but, I truly believe that I will die if I do fail, but just don't know how or when? On the other side of all this numerical nonsense, I do the exact same thing but with the numbers having to add up to the number nine. For those of you that know me will already know what I am like around the number nine. If I get a total of nine during my clock watching lunacy, then that is a wonderful thing and can even cancel out a previous total of thirteen. Just check out any (absolutely all of them in fact) previous posts here on my blog and you will not find one single post time (what time of the day the post was posted) that does not amount to my precious number nine. Am I mad? Perhaps. Will this ever go away? I very much doubt it. Do you have a similar, dare I say it...O.C.D? Probably. I used to have dreams about numbers when I was younger! They used to frighten me very much and even when I awoke from my dream (or nightmare?) i could not get these numbers from passing before my eyes! They were huge! Not in total, but literally as individual numbers! A thousand feet tall and five hundred feet wide. White numbers with a dark background like space. Like being underground in a gigantic cavern. Like being dead!




Jason








(C) JPT 2009.

"The Cunt Splice Of Life"

What I saw on my 38th birthday!


When My friend will You be gone?
Your demise, your end, your very last song?
Are you heading towards the usual trend?
Where beauty holds you to the end?

Where living in your contentedness,
Where you shall Love and savour my kiss.
But, I'm afraid for you and yours,
The time is here to hold and to pause.

The leaves shall stop falling,
The river seizes to flow,
The birds stop calling,
The wind will never blow,

With eyelid shut and static chest,
With nothing to rest so nothing left,
With all things dying, with nowhere to send,
With nowhere to go, where all things end.

Sneaking up behind you!
Invisible through your very last tear,
That ghostly tap on your shoulder,
That shiver out of the blue so clear.

While ice cracked beneath your feet,
I pity the day when you & I may meet,
For the time I held up your bony weight,
I did fail and watched you fall through fate.

Your time has come too real for sure,
If you thought it was bad now, it was worse before,
For those that begin to want it so nice,
All you are left with is the great, the wonderful cunt splice of life!




Jason








(C) JPT 2009

"My Cycling For December 2008"

Richmond Park on Boxing Day 2008.


Mmmm, slightly better than that of last months cycling. Much better weather too, albeit very cold and icy! The trail up in the hills have been Lovely and dry, mostly on account of them being absolutely frozen solid! It's great though to be out in such cold weather and very refreshing. And at the time of writing this (January 9th 2009) it is still ultra cold out and absolutely every puddle or pond or lake is totally frozen! You'd think that it'd be quite slippery on the bike but it is in fact quite the opposite. My tyres are very good indeed in the ice. They are Maxxis Medusa 2.10 if you're interested.
My joints on the other hand are still the same as usual. Lots of pain most of the time! I'm taking far too many painkillers at the mo and am doing something about it. I've already cut the amount taken per day (always only just before bedtime) down by two in the last few days and hope to continue that until I reach a respectable amount.

Christmas was ok (Christmas dinner was wonderful, thanks Mum:), although a fair few people have had colds and I am afraid I will never be quite myself whilst around colds and flu etc! Even if I am cured of HIV I don't think I shall ever change. I'm fed up with feeling ill (and the prospect of becoming ill) and I will do anything I can (within reason) to prevent anything spreading to me. Unfortunately, I failed to do just that only recently when I had the runniest nose that you have ever seen, over the new year period! It even prevented me from going out for a new years day ride, I was that snotty! Plus I had some sort of chest thing going on too during that rather snotty time, but all seems to be well again now:)

And check out my total mileage from all of last year! Only 2218.88 miles! Not many really compared to 2007 when I did 3600 miles. I'm still having fun which is the main thing, right? Painful, but fun:)

See you all next month:)



Wednesday 3rd December 2008 @ 19:25, HH, PH, Lee, Ian, 11.71 miles, av 5.6, max 25.1 mph, 2hrs 4mins, very cold with no wind, temp minus 4, clear & icy, Lee got a puncture at the top of Holmbury Hill. Total 2092.51 miles.

Sunday 7th December 2008 @ 14:25, RP, 21.63 miles, av 11.2, max 26.6 mph, 1hr 55mins, clear skies, icy cold, no wind, no lights!, temp 5 (felt more like minus 2! Total 2114.14 miles.

Sunday 14th December 2008 @ 16:30, RP & popped round to my mums to stick some Christmas lights up in her tree in the front garden, 21.99 miles, av 11.4, max 24.9 mph, 1hr 55mins, cold and breezy, dry. Total 2136.13 miles.

Wednesday 17th December 2008 @ 18:50, BP, RP, Lee, 17.62 miles, av 11.1, max 24.4 mph, 1hr 35mins, dry, cool, saw an owl. Total 2153.75 miles.

Saturday 20th December 2008 @ 18:30, RP, 18.53 miles, av 12.3, max 23.4 mph, 1hr 30mins, temp 9, wind 12. Total 2172.28 miles.

Wednesday 23rd December 2008 @ 19:40, HH, Lee, Lee locked his car keys in his car in the car park so we cut our ride short to get his spare ones, 7.4 miles, av 6.4, max 18.1 mph, 1hr 1min, mild, dry, temp 9, no wind. Total 2179.32 miles.

Saturday 26th December 2008 @ 13:30-16:00pm, RP, 27.04 miles, av 11.3, max 29.6 mph, 2hrs 23mins, cold, very sunny, met a running Sophie part way round and chatted til we reached her car...also bumped into Andy on his bike, Temp 3. Total 2206.36 miles.

Tuesday 29th December 2008 @ 21:00, RP, 12.52 miles, av 11.3, max 22.8 mph, 1hr 6mins, bloody cold, right ankle hurt, saw an owl, dry, temp minus 3, wind 4. Total 2218.88 miles.



Jason








(C) JPT 2009

"New Post Coming Soon...I Promise"

Holmbury St Mary today (Saturday)


Just to let you'all know that I haven't done with my blog (yet) and will stick a new year post up in the next week or so. It seems my creativeness has cut it's wrists a little too deeply and with a knife that was perhaps a little too sharp and has I am afraid bled to sodding death!

Watch this space followers of mine blog:)



Jae:)