I am just a machine that needs feeding, and my waste becomes bitter at times!I wrote this back in Feb/March 2007. Not sure what I was thinking really. I never posted it because I thought it might come across a little nasty. It just came out one afternoon. I certainly don't feel like this now as I have moved on from feeling that way. Ok, some things still remain in my head. Although, unfortunately I don't think it would take much for me to feel that way again. There are certain things in place right now that weren't there before. I kind of have those now to prevent me from getting all dark.
Anyway, I had this feeling that I wanted, needed to post this now, otherwise I may never post it. And besides, I need it out there. I need to share this. I want rid of it!!!
Maybe letting you see it will help me get it out of my head. Let go the part of me that thinks this way sometimes. Bad things that are inside me. Letting them go and letting you have a little and together maybe we can put it away...for good!
It is, I must warn you, rather quite nasty in places! But, surely, this kind of stuff is better out than in?
Enjoy:)
"Maggot Vending Machine"
I feel it, like everyone does. I feel it just as much as the next person.
Along it comes, tapping on the thin, fragile glass of my mind, starts to scratch when there is no answer, no reaction. I'm hiding see.
He mustn't be allowed to get away with this farce! We need to bring him down!
Just as he brings me down, to his level, he is one selfish man!
Relentless picking and fingering, trying to get in. They always get in on occasions.
Come along, try and make me feel like shit why don't you! Come on in and give it your best shot. I'm waiting for you.
Why don't you stay a while eh? Why don't you make me your home? Live inside of me?
What are you afraid of? Where do you go when you're not here inside of me?
Where have you been all this time, all my life, all our lives?
I'm not afraid of you! Not anymore! NOT ANY MORE!
Or are you already here, always having been here, waiting with your long, hole-ready fingers?
Pressing in...slowly does it. Easing in right up to the knuckle, like a grub, cosy in it's rotten, hollowed out branch. Eager to fill me up, over flow! Split me wide open for all to see!
Waiting just inside the fragile window of my mind all along. Watching for a gap, a small opening, the tiniest of slits.
Ready all along, to come scraping. Gathering up it's nourishment under the sharpest of nails.
I feel it going on, but I just try and ignore it. Years of practice or years of ignorance?
Years of blindness perhaps, years of total and utter disrespect for life, all life. My life!
I feel it, like I am now. I feel it, just as you are all doing so, right now.
Hiding as a single pathetic rain drop in the vast grey skies of our world, the littlest of ulcers underneath the bottom of my hot, wet, vein streaked, blood filled tongue.
The dullest throb of a toothache, the constant thrum of pain in any given joint, at any given time.
Popping pills left right and center, pushing fake blood into my arms, into my heart, into my soul.
I remember the good old days when it was all 'Real' blood and full of life and sustenance.
Brimming over with promises of running through tall blades of grass, jumping for joy with it all.
But it wasn't like that, not really was it! Just an old stained bucket of rusty coloured water mixed with other things...other not so nice things!
The blood from child killers, rapists and just good old fashioned murderers & maybe the odd thief too. After all, I do feel stolen at times, raped at others and often murdered! Murdered of my childhood, my innocence!
I couldn't care less these days, seriously. But what else did I manage to 'inherit' from these life giving angels?
I got worms moved in for one thing I reckon. Not in my arse, nor in the soil beneath my wreckage, but in my head, my brain.
Filling my skull with years of sweat & froth, from boring into the deepest, darkest abysses of my thoughts.
I can barely feel their squirming, their incestuous wriggling down deep to fall asleep.
Like one giant slushy orgy...warm, pleasant and forever appreciated.
But, do I realize what is happening? Can I feel a god damn thing? Fuck no!
These things are all part of my everyday existence and from these I have been rendered brain dead.
I can't think straight most of the time. I jump to conclusions. I don't listen. I can't think at all some of the time!
I am always right and I am never wrong. I don't care about you! I don't care about your neighbour!
I can barely find the cells anymore to care or think about myself! I'm on auto-pilot. I do what I do in order to out fucking live all of you! Every last one of you pathetic little cunts!!
Part of the truth of the matter is, I am nearly always wrong! My opinions are next to bloody useless!
I don't think before I speak and I never speak directly after a thought. And I almost always invariably speak far too soon, without even thinking! Mental I know! And makes no sense at all!
I seem to care nothing for the pain of others, do nothing to help others who might need it.
They can jolly well get on with it, just as I do! You'll get no help from me my friend! If you can't figure it out for yourself then you're dead already.
What a pathetic carry on, this acting, this front, this cover-up? Is this really me? I don't rightly know.
There isn't a hole shallow enough to keep me from falling into the bottom of.
Or is it just the rain. All rain is grey, no? Or is it just the dull pain of living. All pain is grey, yes?
Life is made of grey matter is it not? Look in between the colours and you will find several shades of grey.
I don't really know how I feel or where I am going. Where I may have just been, or what may be just around the corner. Just how long I have left, or even how long I have had already.
I just know that I do feel and that I am moving, to where, is anyones guess.
I just hope to goodness that it is in more or less the right direction. For otherwise I feel I may end up in the wrong place and forever regret not just living my life with the attitude of thinking Fuck it...just do it!
I feel lost sometimes.
I fear I am loosing something with everyday that I manage to stay alive.
Without certain anchors and beautiful deep sea oceans to drop them into...I'd be dead already!
Jason
(C) JPT 2008.........
