"I Want to Hold My Hand"

My left hand today (Friday). It is the hand that feeds me, that I punch with, that I grip best with...throw darts with, flip-off with (as in swear), scratch with, inject with, pick my nose with. It is the first hand to hit the ground when I fall off my bike. It is the hand that pulls my seat belt over my body. It is the hand that does absolutely everything for me when I have a bad bleed in my right elbow. It is the hand that changes gear in my car. It is the hand that holds me up when I switch my suspension on and off with my right hand on my bike. It is the hand that tips my HIV & pain killer tablets into my mouth everyday. It is the hand that I will save you with if you ever fall into an icy lake. It is the hand that I will hold your hand with if you let me...



"It is dark and it is cold and everyone is sick and abominably uncomfortable with life"


...but I still do what I do best, which is hold on tight and shut my eyes (for the most part) and hope for the best.
What with a mouthful (literally) of very painful ulcers over the last week or so (almost gone now after a few Thalidomide tablets) and aching ankle joints, I had just about had enough until I thought how much worse off things could be...and most probably will be one day.
I sometimes wonder what would happen to me if I stopped all my HIV medications. Whether I would stay well or instead go on to develop full blown AIDS! It has been exactly twenty years since I first started my HIV medications and have been strictly taking them daily every single day since, more or less without fail! Not (as I learned from my HIV doctors) an easy feat to keep up to say the least. I've been on several HIV drug trials throughout the years and I have been through a few medication changes too (due to side effects or them not working as well as they'd hoped for) and here I am, still alive and still taking the drugs. Also, just for the record, I stopped taking my twice daily Aciclovir (Zovirax in tablet form) drugs to prevent me from getting cold sores. I stopped just over a week ago to see what would happen. I haven't had any cold sores yet! The reason that I decided to stop with them was because they aren't too good for your liver and well, without them my liver will thank me right? I haven't told my HIV doctors, but will do when I visit them next week. I think they'd prefer it if I wasn't taking them anyhow.

What am I going on about? I'm not so sure myself to be honest. Just thought of writing something and this is all I could think of. Plus, I wanted to tell everyone that I did my first ever roll in a kayak on Thursday using just my hands (no paddle or float). It was during the very last five minutes of my ninety minute session over at Ealing Pool. After an hour and twenty five minutes of just fucking around and doing regular rolls and stuff, Ian comes up to me and said to try a hand roll. I've tried before and failed on every attempt and just thought I'd fail again, but I thought what the hell and tried. I threw my paddle over to the side and capsized. After three attempts I did one and then another and another! They came to me as quickly as that! The proof of the pudding will be whether I can still do them next week. We shall see, but I am feeling pretty confident. Cheers Ian.

It'll be Christmas soon, then Summer will be here again.


"I Love the dark and I Love the cold, but I don't so much care for sickness and feeling abominably uncomfortable with life"



Jason

P.s. Congratulations to UC achieving "SVR" recently. You da woman! xx








(C) JPT 2007.........3131.72 miles.